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December 7, 2004
Issue: 5.11
this is column number 26
e-mail me e-mail Brian
 
Hi Gang, and greetings from Hollywood!

Well, I hope those of you who gave the one-legged peace sign to Jenny Craig and gorged yourselves this Thanksgiving are down from your Tryptephan high

But first I want to wish Gut Mazel to a real Trooper. Patty Duke Astin, long suffering child star of yesteryear, whose trials and tribulation have fed the grist mills for years, underwent bypass surgery at the North Idaho Heart Center on November 3rd and is said to be doing well. The 57 year old actress, who is best knows for her sitcom “The Patty Duke Show” wherein she played identical twin cousins, (maybe a sign of things to come in her life,) is the mother of Sean Astin, one of the “Lord of the Rings” stars, adopted son of John Astin, (Gomez Addams on the television series “The Addams Family” and the biological son of Desi Arnaz Junior. Duke received a star of the Hollywood Walk of Fame prior to her surgery a fitting tribute to a lady who is a star in every sense of the word and doesn’t know the meaning of the word ‘Quit’!

And a hearty Mazel Tov to Pretty Woman Julia Roberts and choreographer hubby Danny Moder on the birth of their twins, a boy and a girl, names Phinneaus Walter and Haze Patricia. The 37 year old actress was confined to bed last month due to undisclosed complications with her pregnancy, and the twins who weren’t due until January were delivered prematurely, and according to a spokesman for the Family, “…mother and babies are doing splendidly!”

As a special Holiday treat, I’d like to recommend two films for you to see between shopping sprees and baking marathons. Firstly, Tim Burton’s “National Treasure” a neatly packages exercise in Frankenstein producing, (I counted four film that were, in one way or another, recycled for this one,) that puts Nicholas Cage in the role of a farmished, obsessed quasi treasure hunter, (after many predecessors,) who, after learning that there is a secret treasure map on the reverse of the Declaration of Independence, goes after the treasure of the Knights Templar. Even though the premise was from “The Mummy” (the Brendan Fraser version,) and the plotline from the kid’s flick “The Goonies” and the almost shameful plagiarism of the last sequence, which the Disney spearheaded film steals from their own live-action version of “The Jungle Book”, the film remains action packed and entertaining, due largely to Nicholas Cage’s flawless comedy timing and an equally brilliant supporting cast. This one is a must see for anyone who’s sole ambition in their youth was getting to the prize in the Cracker Jacks box before anyone else.

Also worth the price of admission is “Alexander!”, the bioflick that chronicles the life of Alexander the Great. Following in the footsteps of “Gladiator” and Troy” (with Colin Farrel giving a performance in the title role that eerily mimics Brad Pitt’s as Achilles in ‘Troy’,) the film deftly puts plenty of swash in the buckles of the characters, concentrating on action and historical accuracy, and steering away from Alexander’s bisexuality, thusly making this a true epic rather than an exercise in cheap exploitation. Even Angelina Jolie, manages to come across as believable in a role which, on the surface, seems far beyond her scope.

The action sequences are a little grisly at times, and if homosexual behavior offends you, be warned, there are some love scenes between Alexander and his male norchschleppers the some might consider excessive. Also, the dialogue vacillates between Hokey and heavy handed, to downright absurd, (Remember Charleton Heston’s line in ‘The Ten Commandments” when he said “From everlasting to Everlasting, thou art God!”’ a line even Heston himself didn’t understand,) and at times the camerawork does more to confuse the audience than to explain it’s self. But, on the whole, it’s an admirable piece of filmmaking and well worth risking your tokhes falling to sleep by sitting through the three and one-half hours of it. Nonetheless, “Alexander” follows admirably in the footsteps of the grand epics of yesteryear, and is worthy of the price of admission. Just stay away from the concessions counter. Popcorn will make you thirsty, and if you buy a soda to quench it, you’ll find yourself running to the restroom and miss something!

And again, I must apologize for the fact that I will have no column for January, as I am moving my family to our new home in Pahrump, Nevada. This will prove to be an epic in its self, as we’re having to pack up 3300 square feet of antiques, collectibles, and junk in general. Those of you who come from a long line of people who never threw anything away will know where I’m coming from. But, assuming I survive this Herculean task, I’ll be back in February and try to make up for it.

Until then, have a glorious Holiday season, and a very Happy New Year! And thank you all for another year of your loving support of my efforts. I love you all
 

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