Ever hear the expression, “I’m damned if I do, and damned if I don’t?” Well, welcome to my world!
This month I got dressed down twice; once for the berating I gave the mini-series “The Poseidon Adventure” and the other, (ready for this?) was for excessive praise of “The Producers.” In more than forty years in this industry it was the first time I ever heard of a critic being criticized for being nice!

Okay, so being a fair man, I re-watched ‘Poseidon’. And my apologies to those who enjoyed it, but I stand by my original assessment. To me, the mini-series dragged like a mastodon through a tar pit. The subplots interfered with the main story and compromised the continuity. And, the cutaways to the rescue mission made it seem more like a commercial for Homeland Security than an action film. The performances were passable, given the drek of a script they had to work with. Whereas in the original, the viewer found themselves really pulling for the characters, in this one, one just sits there going, “Yea, yea, get on with it, shoyne!” Of all the actors, I most pitied Sylvia Syms, as Belle Rosen whose part was reduced to mindless vacillating and endless platitudinal quotes of her late husband, whom the writers saw fit to kill off for this one. The reversal done in the underwater rescue scene where she is the rescuee rather than the rescuer was a slap in the face of every feminist who ever rooted Shelley Winters on in the original. Mercifully, they allowed Syms to die in this one, thusly saving her further embarrassment. The ending was unnecessarily complicated by the need to blow yet another hole in the ship, (I guess the writers didn’t want to let a perfectly good bomb go to waste,) and the presence of Navy Seals took away all the feeling of accomplishment on the part of the survivors. And rather than giving a feeling of “oh, yea, I remember that!” the ballroom scene with the man falling into the ceiling light and the climbing up the Christmas tree came off as a cheap, “Well, we left this in for ya!” exploitation. Maybe if the original hadn’t become such a beloved classic, with characters we grew to love and scenes indelibly burned into our memories, this one would have made it. But when one takes on a remake, one has to be mindful that their offering will be compared to the original. Given that, this one fell dismally short.

And for the first time in my career as a reviewer, I got kvetched at for being too complimentary about the remake of “The Producers”. And, the writer of the letter made some valid points. True, I didn’t see the Broadway version. I do know, however, that there is a magic, an exhilaration in a live theater that is absent in a movie theater. Let’s face it, a movie just doesn’t have the ‘vibes’ a live performance does, just like a TV dinner isn’t as satisfying as a meal at a five-star restaurant. I admit the editing out of the opening number was a mistake, (fortunately for the home theatre buff, it’s in the outtakes feature on the DVD,) and the movie suffers for it. But if one didn’t know the number had ever been in there (as they wouldn’t unless they had seen the play,) they’ll never miss it. I’ll even admit that I may have been excessive in my praise of Matthew Broderick’s performance, comparing him to Donald O’Conner. But my comparison was subjective at best, and if anyone can suggest another actor who’s work comes as close to O’Connor’s as did Broderick’s, I’d love to know whom. But on the whole, I stand by my praise of “The Producers”. It’s one of the best films of the year, and quite possibly one of the best musicals I’ve ever seen. Where “The Poseidon Adventure” dies when put up against the original, “The Producers” remake, (largely because it is a musical,) surpasses the original every bit as much as “Hello. Dolly!” surpassed it’s progenitor, “The Matchmaker.” And “The King and I” left “Anna and the King of Siam” in the dust.

I guess what I’m trying to say is, by looking at these two films, one can see there’s a right way to do a remake, and a wrong way. The wrong way is to make mindless changes and try to gloss them over with slick special effects. The right way is to maintain the integrity of the original, in plot, characterization, and emotion, while making subtle changes that will make it more in keeping with contemporary tastes. Maybe, if John Putch, (the director,) had thought to make “Poseidon: The Musical”…

On a lighter note, (well, hopefully,) “Pirates of the Caribbean: Dead Man’s Chest” is a must see for those of you who liked the first installment. Johnny Depp shines again as Captain Jack Sparrow, the hapless swashbuckler who would be all but lost without Orlando Bloom. The two have a chemistry together that could well make them the new Lemmon/Matthau. The script is delightfully written, the CGI effects are restrained, allowing the stars and story to speak for it’s self. This one is lighter and more evenly paced than the first one, making it much easier to follow. Running gags abound, (it just wouldn’t be ‘Pirates’ without the dog teasingly holding the keys now, would it?) and even though the ending is a little predictable, it’s still one of the best films out this summer. Look for the third one, due to be released in December, as it ties in with this one.

Since I’m told there’ll be no Megillah next month, I guess I’ll be working in my yard. This comes at a perfect time, as I have to dig holes for the trees in the front…. all thirty of them!

See you in September, Gang!