I hope the New Year is treating all of you well. Out in Hollywierd the party is just winding down!
Of course, the BIG news has been the untimely death of Maurice, (Pronounced Morris, so go figure the Brits,) Gibb of the Bee Gees. Not only his death, but also word has it that the drekkops in the O.R. fouled up. But mind you, that’s unsubstantiated, so you didn’t hear that from me!
Likewise, our most sincere condolences go out to the friends and Family of Richard Crenna, who lost his battle with cancer this month. Crenna is probably best known as Walter Denton in the 1950’s sitcom, “Our Miss Brooks” with co-stars Eve Arden and Gale Gordon. Later he played Cousin Luke in the sitcom “The Real McCoy's” with Walter Brennan. What a lot of people don’t know is that Crenna did a great deal of directing on television as well, and produced several movies for TV.
Also, in from the “You Can’t Keep a Super Man Down” department, Christopher Reeve is signed to appear on the WB series, “Smallville”. The storyline is being kept hush-hush, a la ‘The Last Newhart’, but don’t worry; if I have to I’ll schlep over the walls of the back lot myself and get the goods!
And a big Mazel Tov to Tom Cruise for winning his lawsuit against Chad Slater, (known by porn fans as Kyle Bradford,).. Slater finally admitted that he had never even met Cruise, and therefore had lied about having had an affair with the superstar. Cruise settled for ten million dollars, quite a drop from the filed for 100 million. Nu? Is he too nice or too goyish? Anyway, Tom, it takes a real mensch to stand on your principals, and we love you for it!
And in the “Dead Alta Kakers” department, I hear that the great zaders of Hollywood are all scrambling to replace the last Richard Harris as Professor Dumbledor in the next “Harry Potter’ Film. Among the hopefuls are Anthony Hopkins, Ian McClellan, John Hurt,( who played the magic wand salesman,) and …believe it or not… Larry Hagman! No, that’s not a misprint! J.R. Ewing himself has asked to test for the part, or so sources tell me. Poor Elijah Wood…still the lone meshpucha in the cast. Where are the pintele yid actors when you need them?
And this in from the “I’ll think about it tomorrow” department, Shiksah Goddess Sarah Michelle Gellar is still trying to decide if she wants to come back for another year of “Buffy”, or if she wants to pursue a movie career. I previously reported that the show had been cancelled, but now the word is, they’ll bring it back if she’ll agree to star for another season. But having seen her so-far forays into the big screen, my advice to Sarah is, keep your day job, and cancel your agent! Feh to the schmendrik for getting her such traif like “I Know What You Did Last Summer!” No wonder they killed her off in that one. Better there than in ‘Variety!’
Meanwhile, Sony Music Mensch Tommy Mottola has decided to step down as CEO of Sony Music supposedly to start his own company. But from what I hear, the real reason is because he was very hurt by Michael Jackson’s attack on him a few months back. For a long time, he went to bat for Jackson, butting heads with the brass at Sony, only to have Whacko Jacko attack him. Meanwhile, there’s no word as to whom will replace him.
And Susan Sarandon is doing some gezunte tochkes lekking to get the lead role in a T.V. movie about Bette Davis. The screenplay, written by Alfred Uhry, (Driving Miss Daisy) is so fantastic, that Sarandon has even offered to do it for substantially less money than she usually gets. Hey, maybe they’ll get Faye Dunaway to come back as Joan Crawford! Now That’s Entertainment!
Also in the works, is “Redhed: The Lucille Ball Story”, which is slated to star Danny Pino as Desi Arnaz and Rachel York (no relation to either Dick or Michael) as Ball. Glen Jordan (Barbarians at the Gate) will direct the Sony Pictures production. This one may be worth watching gang. There have been other TV. movies about the sitcom pioneers, but I hear this one really has some teeth to it, finally showing that in that marriage, it was Desi who suffered from penis envy because Lucy was a ball-busting monster!
And as if the Holocaust didn’t make us miserable enough, now Madonna wants to call her new Album “Ein Sof”. Got tzu Danken, the producers have vetoed the idea, suggesting instead, “American Life.” Please Madonna, we have genug tsores, without you letting people think you’re converting!
And, saving the best for last, the Producers of the “American Idol” television show are being sued for…better sit down for this one gang…Age Bias! Professor Drew Cummings, a film lecturer at Miami-Dade Community College, aged fifty, (the professor, not the college,) auditioned for a spot and was rejected, even though the rules clearly state that contestants must be between the ages of 16 and 24 years old.
Listen gang, I’m all for giving people of all ages, creeds and faiths a shot at whatever they aspire to. But a teen-age idol is just that…teen-aged. This meshuganeh is 50! You want to see a half-century old heartthrob, go up to Las Vegas where you can occasionally see the 53 year-old David Cassidy looking pathetic, belting out “I Think I Love You” to 350 middle-aged schmendricks! And don’t get me started on Davey Jones, who is actually beginning to look like a Monkey!
And before anyone gets too farschvitzed at me, asking, “Who does this pitsel pisher think he is, knocking the poor old guy, let me tell you that I’m almost fifty myself. And as a middle-aged man who’s appeared in dozens of musicals, has a trained operatic voice, and use to be able to gyrate my hips with the best of them, I assure you that, unlike the professor, I am willing to admit that I am no longer “American Idol” material.
However, I do have a solution, which I have forwarded to the producers of the show. And what I say, is, let the damned fool go on television and compete! Lets face it gang, there are some people who crave humiliation. And maybe after a few months of, “Hey, aren’t you that old dude who made a jackass of himself coast-to-coast?” this alta beheymeh will get the message and get farblonzhet. Or, maybe he’ll just try to join the D.A.R.
And that’s a wrap for this month my dears.