Mother’s Day is just a few days away so I thought I would spare you my usual political expositions, and instead share a story connected to my mother, Sylvia. This holiday is especially meaningful for me because my mother died on Mother’s Day, 1983 and in her memory I will tell you about one of her passions; Schmulka Bernstein.

Two of my mom’s true loves were named Schmulka Bernstein. The first was that wonderful New York kosher salami, and the other was our pet Amazon parrot who she lovingly named after her favourite comfort food. While the food may have soothed an inner need, that miserable parrot brought only his dark spirit into our family. He loved my mother but had no use for my father or me, or come to think of it, anyone else on the planet.

Schmulka the parrot, hereafter referred to as TDB (that damned bird) had a mean streak a mile wide and maybe just a little bit longer. His ultimate target for torment was our beautiful, loyal but not too bright Pug dog named Chubby.

TDB occupied a large tall cage with all the comforts a parrot could hope for. He would sit atop the highest perch and observe the daily comings and goings of what he considered his domain. His cage was located in the corner of a well lit dining room right near a large window with a spectacularly sunny and clear view of the outside world. He loved to squawk and whistle at passersby. He had a rich vocabulary and was very adept at talking, often saying the worst possible thing at the wrong time. But those are stories for another occasion.

Chubby was an appropriately named Pug. He had what one might diplomatically refer to as a washboard back. His fat creases formed rows that were perfect for planting radishes, especially after coming in from rolling in the garden. He had a pig-like curly tail and made grunting and snoring sounds that could put any porcine to shame. Chubby’s heart was as big as his belly and he absolutely adored everyone. His sole handicap though was a slightly limited intellect. You might say he was a bit naïve, or more charitably, that he was reliant on the kindness of others. Sometimes his faith in others was misplaced.

Chubby was a Pug of habit. Every afternoon he loved to curl up in the sunny dining room for his midday snooze. TDB caught on very quickly to the dog’s ritual, and devised what turned out to be a foolproof plan to torment him.

At about 1:00 P.M. every day, Chubby would waddle into the dining room and lay down for his siesta. TDB would eye him from atop his perch and wait until he heard the sound of restful snoring coming from the dog. When TDB was certain Chubby was fast a sleep, he would shout out on the very top of his little birdie lungs, “CHUBBY!”

Chubby would awaken with a start, jump up and run around the house wildly in excitement. When he completed his circle he would wind up back in the dining room and TDB would quietly call his name……”Chubby,”…..Chubby,” and the dog would slowly approach the cage.

“Come here Chubby” TDB would coax, and finally the dog would come right up to the cage and sniff the bars. TDB would then quickly grab his nose with his beak and give it a healthy twist. The poor dog would yelp, and of course, run away as fast as his little fat legs would carry him.

Granted, this was a very mean and rotten thing for TDB to put the innocent Chubby through, but one would think eventually the dog would catch on. It might take two, three or maybe even four times before the Pug finally realized he was being had by this Machiavellian bird-brain; but the ritual continued for 4 years.

Thankfully the abuse came to an end when my parents retired and moved to Florida. Chubby was invited to relocate and retire with them, but the salami’s namesake was fobbed off on some other unsuspecting family that hopefully did not house a canine of their own.

Chubby died peacefully in Florida at the age of 11 years, after living a very serene bird less existence in the sunny south. TDB? We have no idea what became of him. After all, they have a life expectancy of about 80 years, so there was plenty of time for him to find other dogs to torment.