Technically, they are criminals - every one of them - but so is the starving person who steals bread. Let's begin, therefore, by agreeing that there are degrees of criminality, measured by the circumstances surrounding the crime.

Some argue - sometimes stridently - that the millions of illegal aliens among us have a right to be here solely by virtue of their wants and needs, and that it is Un-American to deny them the blessings showered on bona fide citizens.

Manning the battlements on the other extreme are a militant few who favor branding this entire throng of invaders as felons, then just rooting them out and throwing them out, en masse.

Lost in the center of this storm are voices of reason and moderation who recognize facts that are as obvious as a mid-forehead wart, such as these:

1. "Illegal" means against the law, and the self-styled "undocumented immigrants" fall squarely into this category - their motives notwithstanding.
2. "Felony" is a term reserved for heinous crimes, on the order of murder, rape and arson.
3. Many of the estimated 12 million "illegals" in our midst are contributing positively to American society and are acceptable candidates for eventual citizenship.
4. These people are neither felons nor fellow Americans, despite the angry sounds being heard in the streets and on talk shows.
5. Something needs to be done about them, needs to be done now, and needs to be done NOT by randumb sloganeering, but by the resolute action of our elected reprehensibles.

These devious "duh-heads" have thus far responded to the crisis by doing what they almost always do when faced with a politically hot potato (or, as in this instance, tamale): They discussed, debated, double-talked, diddled, fiddled, piddled, dickered, bickered, pandered, postulated, promised, pontificated, blustered, bloviated and bullscatted - then found the safe harbor of a stalemate and went home, having resolved approximately nothing.

They are among us now, albeit briefly, spinning like dervishes to justify their "clear perceptions" of the underlying difficulties and their solutions - which, they say, need only the understanding and approval of their Capitol Hillbilly colleagues. (This eventuality is about as likely as the conversion of rutting moose to celibacy.)

With the coming shadow of nationwide elections already upon them, they seek primarily to cover their butts and articulate their "buts" in order to maximize their "sects appeal" on the electoral home front.

Sure, they'd like to resolve the immigration impasse (and balance the budget and rescue Social Security, etc.), but their immediate objectives are such vital concerns as getting re-elected, kissing the babies (and behinds) of those in their political power bases and not riling up the rabble-rousers on either side of hot issues.

While they're nearby - and even after they escape to the Lalaland of Crapitall Hill, give some serious thought to laying these suggestions - or your own edited version - at their feet (or pounding it into their heads):

1. Invite ONLY those aliens who have been here for a reasonable period of time to apply for a temporary visa, which identifies them as citizens of a foreign nation. Include photo ID and fingerprints for future reference.
2. Define for them the path they must follow and the behavior they must display to maintain their candidate status for citizenship.
3. Include in these requirements that they hold a job, pay their taxes, learn to speak English, stay out of trouble with the law, and pay some penalty for their past "sub-felonious" misdemeanors.
4. Mandate that they re-register annually to verify their compliance.
5. If they fail to follow this regimen, revoke their visas and deport them. If they return, fine them heavily and bar them forever from citizenship.
6. If, as most of them will, they follow the straight-and-narrow for another reasonable period of time, welcome them as fellow citizens with the same rights granted to those who entered legally - and to the fortunate ones who, like me, acquired those rights by winning the gene pool.

Again, unless they're junketing somewhere, YOUR Reprehensibles are only a phone call, e-mail message, fax or snail-mail letter away.

If you DON'T pressure them to address the problem, they'll respond to the pressure from anarchists, extremists, lobbyists and/or their political leadership.

It's your choice and - at least for now - your country!