Notes on the Numerous Nuances of Nursing

The female bosom, which made its earthly debut in the ill-starred Garden of Eden, has since been exploited to market merchandise, sell magazines, attract viewers to the boob tube (an interesting confluence of labels), enhance movie careers, turn male heads with dervish-like speed, provide subject matter for artists and sculptors, and create a trademark for the Hooters franchise. These are but a few of its employments, some of the others being too indelicate for mention herein.

It has also inspired ad agencies to cover a spectrum ranging from the sublime sophistication of Victoria's Secret (what IS secret, anyway, after nearly everything's been exposed?) and the ridiculous rhetoric of "I can't believe it's a bra." (What the hell do you THINK it is, Ma'am?)

I don't know for sure, but I think I was a bottle baby, for reasons that went to the grave with my mother. Such matters were not then intergenerationally discussed, at least with sons. (During that same era of pectoral prudishness, my boyhood chums and I debated endlessly about whether or not the nuns even had 'em!)

My pre-pubescent fascination with that anatomical area dates back to lingerie ads in the Sears catalog and my late Aunt Nellie's shelf loads of National Geographic magazines, wherein I could pore over the lore of topless tribes in Africa and the South Pacific. (She was immensely pleased with my interest in foreign lands.)

Later, there were clandestine purchases of "girlie" magazines and memorable visits to the sole surviving burlesque house in staid old Philadelphia, where I saw in the flesh (well, flashes of it, anyway) such buxom beauties as Sally Rand, Gypsy Rose Lee and a gal who performed wearing only live doves, which lent a whole new meaning to "strictly for the birds."

One notable morphosis along the line has been the sprouting of pronounced protuberances on Barbie and other erstwhile flat-chested play dolls.

Be all that as it may, the feminine fonts were designed principally (solely, some priggish people might argue) for the nourishment of infants, the function to which this essay addresses itself.

More specifically, we're concerned with the differing views of breast-feeding among modern moms, and recent incidents in which nursing mothers were harassed and/or embarrassed for doing so in more-or-less public view.

In at least one documented instance, a Connecticut Mom was nearly busted (sorry about that) for nourishing her young 'un in a parked car.

Reportedly, a decreasing percentage of new babies are breast-fed at all these days, and a smaller segment are still being so nourished at six months. This change from the days of yore (and, perhaps, yo'r Mama) has come about, in part, since the June Cleaver types left home en masse to enter the workplace, wherein mammalian meals could not easily be provided on demand and in privacy.

Those working moms who chose to do it whenever and wherever the need arose gave rise to a controversy over the "wherever" part of the compromise. Udder nonsense, we say (sorry again), but that is not the focus of this opusette.

Rather, while the etiquetteniks, pediatricians, pundits, politicians and practitioners were wrangling over the pros and cons of breast-feeding, we conducted a survey of the matter among the forgotten ones - the ultimate consumers, whose input into the output controversy had not theretofore been solicited.

How did WE get reliable feedback on feeding from infants? Sorry, folks, but we columnists never reveal our secret sources or methods - a constitutional right which we shall defend to the death!

On, then, to the punch lines: Our survey revealed the following Top Ten reasons why breast-feeding is preferred by the wee folks, including the weaned folks who are increasingly being deprived of it:

1. No artificial coloring, flavoring, additives or MSG are involved.
2. Containers are shatterproof and environmentally friendly.
3. Always available for immediate delivery.
4. Unless you're a twin, a friend can join you for dinner.
5. No need for refrigeration or pre-warming.
6. They don't run out of it when the stores are closed.
7. No disputes with Dad about night feedings.
8. Up high enough so the cat can't get at it.
9. Not under investigation by the FDA for harmful side effects.
10. Comes in such attractive containers.

While the controversy swirls around them, no doubt intrudes upon the contentment or well-being of those youngsters who are blessed with Mother Nature's most perfect food source - and automatic hookup on delivery!