Honest Politician: The Quintessential Oxymoron

Common sense dictates that it won't happen, but this fantasy won't go away.

In occasional daydreams, I see and hear a politician (male in the example cited) making a speech something like this:

"My fellow Americans," (an obligatory opening for those seeking to acquire or retain a rooting position at the public trough) "I'm here to promote my candidacy for the office of (whatever, ranging from President to Deputy Dog Catcher) and I'm seeking your support.

"Before making that request, though, I want to put certain information about me on the record, so you'll know what kind of person I was before becoming the person I purport to be, at least until elected.

"While a little boy, I was caught pilfering small items of merchandise, peeing in side alleys and surreptitiously leafing through the pages of racy publications.

"Later, in my teens, I made contact under the clothing of several female students, inhaled a controlled substance, got poopfaced drunk several times on illegally acquired booze and lost my virginity in the back seat of the family sedan.

"I was twice suspended from school for disciplinary reasons and once for cheating in a Phys Ed exam. For reasons I choose not to clearly recall, I distributed literature for an organization dedicated to the abolition of monogamous marriage, legalization of jaywalking and the overthrow, by violence, if necessary, of the College of Cardinals.

"During my business career, I charged a number of personal expenses against taxable income, pilfered a substantial quantity of office supplies, used questionable tactics to gain an edge on my competitors, dallied with approximately eight female co-workers and bedded two others.

"To the extent that it was practical, in good taste and not uncomfortable for others, I have made restitution and/or apologized for these transgressions and repented of those that were beyond remedy.

"I solemnly assure you that I have not lately engaged in any such activities, with the exception of my nephew's recent bachelor party and one 24-hour hell-raise during a reunion of old Army buddies. I promise you that I will not do so in the future without promptly and publicly confessing to it."

Well, folksies, you're not likely to hear a speech (or encounter a candidate) like that this side of Oz, but in my recurring fantasy, the audience and I cheer lustily and vow to labor without rest for his election to that "whatever" office.

Nowadays, the voting public has become relatively tolerant of boys being boys and fibbers fibbers, even when they are in positions of awesome power, wherein they are, ipso facto, role models for our nation's youth.

The near-beatification of JFK, despite revelations of his libertine behavior, as well as the surprising tolerance of Bill Clinton's prurient peccadillos during his years in the national spotlight, support my theory that voters really can live with far-less-than-perfect public officials.

There were different reportorial rules in days of yore. Kennedy didn't have to be forthcoming about his past (or completely furtive about his current) sextivities - this due to the "courtesy clan" which was the White House press corps of his era.

The same unwritten code of permissiveness ruled out publication of pictures showing Harry Truman belting down healthy slugs of his much-favored hard likker.

Those were the days before discreet journalism was replaced by a predatory paparazzi and 24/7 cable TV, and the lines between a traditional press and scum-sheet tabloids became blurred.

Arguably, Clinton could have been a bit more frank about his past peccadillos and probably avoided impeachment proceedings.

Aside: Had Wandering Willlie also suppressed his fleshly failings, he might have entered history as the torchbearer for a new genre of political leaders. Rather, he's in danger of being best remembered as a very bright man with the credibility of Pinocchio and the morals of a junkyard dog.

The hazards of forthright disclosure suggest that "honest politician" is a classic oxymoron. I'm idealistic enough, though, to hope that my pipe-dream political speech may some day be feasibly speakable, opening leadership roles to a few good people, the skeletons in whose closets now keep their hats permanently hung there, instead of in the electoral ring.

Unless some modification of my fantasy enters American political life, I wonder where tomorrow's leaders will be found, unless among cloistered nuns, Eagle Scouts - or, by default, among current wannabees, most of whom elevate doublespeak and fake sincerity to an unappealing art form.

Don't hold your breath while waiting.