On the Internet, however, the bye-catch comes in the form of "spam" and pop-up commercials, against which there are few defensive strategies, short of computercide. In fact, the "trash fish" population in the vast waters of Dotcomland is growing at a rate comparable to political campaign expenditures and snail- mail offers of new credit cards.

"Signing on" these days means facing a phalanx of falderal including, but not limited to:

None of these, though are as potentially hazardous to one's cyberpeace of mind as the ominous ****WARNINGS**** that appear with gut-wrenching impact, all of them touted as having the authenticity of a biblical passage or an "ex cathedra" papal pronouncement.

Among those of us who regard computers as second only to our snack foods as critical components of survival, those ****WARNINGS**** are the scariest experiences this side of ontological procedures, since they seldom trumpet trivial ailments.

Rather, they almost always threaten the total evisceration of one's hard drive memory - a precipitous attack of technological Alzheimer's Disease, after the onset of which your computer's highest and best use is as a doorstop.

****WARNINGS**** are typically forwarded by well-meaning people to whom the ****WARNINGS**** were sent by other well-meaning people, following their receipt by still other....well, you get the idea.

Most often, the bad news is preceded by several paragraphs listing those who were previously warned and thereby added to the expanding warren of warnees.

What all the well-meaning people in this chain of wolf-crying have in common is that, typically, they haven't a clue as to the expertise, if any, at the base of the spring from which floweth these doomsday dogmas, but they pass them along as gospel truths.

The good news is that in almost all cases, the so-called "killer viruses" are as preventable as the human scourge of getting stiff in the joints - i.e., just stay out of the joints. (A little touch of humor there to lighten things up!) Truth to tell, almost all of the ****WARNINGS**** are about hazards that can either be intercepted by standard anti-virus programs (don't stay home without one!), or are flat-out hoaxes.

The very last step to take after receiving a ****WARNING**** is to pass it along to your entire mailing list; it's much the same as sneezing in a crowded elevator, and will make you just as socially acceptable.

When encountering a ****WARNING****, you should first dab dry your sweaty forehead and, perhaps belt down a shot of Maalox to quell the unrest in your Southern Hemisphere. Then go to your favorite search engine ( http://www.google.com  is ours) and enter "Virus Hoaxes" for a smorgasbord of known false alarm directories.

At one or more of these first-aid stations, you'll probably find the ****WARNING**** listed as phony baloney - or, if not, remedial instructions for handling it.

One really frightening non-computer-oriented ****WARNING**** we checked out recently involved the "Two-Striped Telamonia Spider," which reportedly stowed away on flights from India, and migrated to the underside of American toilet seats. There, they butt-bit restaurant patrons, who subsequently joined the Desert Choir after intensive suffering. That sobering information was attributed to a Florida- based University, which resolutely denies any connection with the hoax.

Our research department confirmed the existence of a Two-Striped Telamonia spider (Telamonia dimidiata), but found no evidence that it has even visited the USA, much less used our rest room facilities.

Furthermore, we uncovered the fact that the same threat had earlier been attributed to the South American Blush Spider (Arachnius gluteus), which doesn't exist at all.

However, the impact of this ****WARNING**** has been so powerful that it is pointed to by some behavioral scientists as the reason why male humans - traditionally protective of their female counterparts - thoughtfully leave the seat up when departing unisex bathrooms.

Okay, so I made up that last part, but it wouldn't hurt to peek under the lid next time you're in a public W.C.; if you neglect to do so and get spider-bitten, don't say I didn't ****WARN**** you!