Except in men's locker rooms, gatherings of small boys and during playful paternal finger-pulls, it is generally regarded crass to pass intestinal gas at social gatherings.

Couth behavior in all but the most extreme emergencies and advanced pregnancies dictates that such emissions be loosed only with the utmost of discretion and in the greatest isolation available - this, of course, to avoid annoying nearby humanity.

Olfactory factors aside, the intrusiveness of cell phones is, in the view of this humble scribe, no less offensive in polite society or disturbing of its peace.

Now weighing as little as three ounces and costing less than many coffee breaks at Starbucks, cell phones came into the world at nearly three pounds when they were first demonstrated in 1973.

In 1983, Motorola parented a 16-ounce version which sold (to a select few big spenders) for a daunting 3,500 simoleons, and the rest became present history. The cell phone, like the divine urge, has come to stay.

Today, anyone who has not used a cell phone or observed one in use since this time yesterday is either living in a remote cave, a cloistered nunnery or an orthodox Mennonite community.

To those of us who are now long in the tooth and short in short-term memory, it seems like only yesterday that all telephones were hard-wired into walls and their mobility was limited to the length of their extension cords. And most folks can remember when the early ones were status symbols of the rich and/or flamboyant.

Now, of course, wireless communication is as common as simulated sex on television (and the real thing after first dates at a swinging "meet" market.)

While driving, walking, jogging, relaxing, working and, perhaps, engaging in the just-noted diversions, Americans sometimes seem only slightly more likely to be breathing than jabbering into their mobile megaphones.

Mind you, the cell phone has been a genuine boon to commerce, conversation and communication in general, not to mention people in distress and stressed-out parents.

This column, therefore, is not a protest against cellism in general, but rather the abuses that have sprung up in everyday practice. (The devices themselves are not inherently evil - but neither, for that matter, are nitroglycerine, drugs and sheep manure.)

Rather, my rant du jour is against such unmannerly practices as failing to mute them or render them vibratory when they might shatter the serenity of a theatrical performance, reading room, religious service or a placid stroll in the park.

Equally unacceptable is the engagement in a cellversation which excludes one's fellow diners or participants at social or business gatherings; there is little difference in the level of rudeness between doing that and deliberately whispering.

Ditto the Inclusion of nearby and defenseless listeners-in by raising your voice (they're not deaf and neither is your cell phone).

A few suggestions (read "mandates," unless you really enjoy ticking people off):

- Never allow your cell phone or your own voice to be audible beyond your own ears.

- Disable both sounds completely when they would be annoying to others.

- If you MUST take a call when in the company of others, excuse yourself and seek the nearest isolation (doing much as you would in dealing with the aforementioned gastric distress).

- Keep cell phone conversations brief and to the point, except when you can chat in total privacy.

Finally - and this is critical to your own safety as well as that of others:

If the use of your cell phone is NECESSARY while driving, invest in a hands-free headset unit and dial only when your vehicle is stopped in a safe place. Accidents will happen with more than sufficient frequency to obviate the need for help from you and the multiplying effect of one-handed driving.

Be aware that distractions are a major cause of injury and death on the roadway and, like any in-the-car conversation, yakking on the phone diverts a portion of your attention from the serious business of driving - including your defenses against your cellmates behind other wheels.

One more thing (yeah, I know I said "finally" a few lines back, but regular readers know what a sneaky old bird I am): When you go to church, temple or mosque, leave the damthing outside.

It's quite okay to believe that the Almighty might call you at any time, but it ain't likely be on a cell phone, is it?

'Scuse me - I think I feel something vibrating somewhere.