The Supermarket

I drove Arlene to our local Publix supermarket to do our weekly shopping.  “Sweetheart, I’ll drop you off at the front of the store, park the car, and be inside in a jiffy”.  I did just that, and in a few short moments, I caught up with her; she was still standing in front of the store.  “Sweetheart, thanks for waiting for me. Let’s go inside,” said I, as I put my arm around her waist.  She turned around to face me. “Excuse me sir, please remove your arm from around my waist,” the woman said.  I was dumbfounded. “I’m terribly sorry, I thought you were my wife.”  “Can I take that as a marriage proposal”, she joked. I apologized, and apologized, and explained why I thought she was my wife.  She smiled, shook her head in acknowledgement, and I continued on my way.  Finally finding my wife I said, “Arlene, you’ll never believe what just happened….” After I told her of the incident with the unknown woman she replied “I don’t know why I should expect anything different.”

The Publix Pharmacy

“Start shopping, and I’ll pick up your prescriptions, and catch up to you” I told my wife.   As I walked towards the back, I thought of the joke about a chemist who walked into a pharmacy, and asked for a bottle of acetylsalicylic acid.  The pharmacist asked, “What size bottle of aspirin do you want?”  The chemist looked at him, and responded.  “That’s it, aspirin; I never can remember that name-- 24 please.”
 
I always look forward to seeing the pharmaceutical crew; they’re our local drug dealers. What makes it a good experience is that they’re always so upbeat, and happy, that they brighten my day.  They make it their business to address their customers by name. Thirty six dollars was the amount on the register, and as Toni handed me the charge slip to sign, the pen was short on ink, and I remarked that “I’ve never used a pen that was so hard to write with.”

As I waited for Toni to give me another pen, I noticed the advertiser’s name on the side of the it; Viagra.  

“Now I know why it’s hard to write with, it’s a Viagra pen!”  Melissa, and Shirley, laughed, and Toni asked if I was annoyed, or embarrassed, that there was a Viagra pen on the counter.   I replied “certainly not.”   She held up her hand, and proceeded to tell me that when Viagra was first introduced the pen was smaller, and said it was about 3 inches, but before she could finish speaking I interrupted, and said, “Ladies did you hear what Toni said? When the Viagra pens first came in, they were shorter”.  We all laughed loudly.  Toni then proceeded to finish her sentence.  “I was saying when Viagra was first introduced they gave us smaller pens with a button that could be pressed to enlarge the length of the barrel”.  I signed my charge slip, and walked away laughing.  Arlene wanted to know why I was so happy, “I’ll tell you when we get to the car.” 

Lewis and the bagels

Last Sunday, our son Lew, and I, decided to prepare breakfast for our families.  We both planned the menu, and decided he was to pick up bagels from Publix. When he arrived at our house, for the breakfast, he told me what had happened when he was at Publix. He had placed the bagels in a paper bag with a see thru window. He put 6 bagels in the bag, and turned to his wife, Christie, holding the bag up high, to show her that he purchased her favorite kind. The bottom of the bag opened up, and all the bagels spilled to the floor.  Publix encourages recycling of plastic, and paper bags, and his immediate response was, “I believe in recycling, but they need to give me a chance to take the food home first!”  I enjoy shopping at Publix “where shopping is a pleasure” (their slogan.)  As you now know, from this article, whenever I seek pleasure, I go to Publix.      

The last of the towels

It seems that with the start of a New Year, the unexpected becomes expected. I wrote about my friend, Tyndall, and the towels from Motel 6.  It seems that there is a hand towel that was never returned. Believe me we tried, and were told, by the desk clerk, to just keep it.  For years we’ve been mailing it back, and forth to each other, asking the other to return it. It’s like playing hand towel tag; the one to die with the towel in his possession, loses.

We received a colorful set of soup bowls from Tyndall, and Joyce, for Chanukah, and sure enough a white hand towel with the words “motel mel,” written in black marker, was placed in the box. “Arlene,” I said, “I’m going to put an end to this now. I’m driving to our local Motel 6 to purchase two bath towels, and I’m going to have Tyndall, and Joyce’s, names embroidered on them, thus guaranteeing an end to the game. We’d both be winners, only me more so.  I was feeling good about this, such a wonderful idea, I was plotzing with laughter as I pictured the Pruitts looking at the towels, and planning a return “gotcha.”  When I arrived at Motel 6, I asked the manager, if I could purchase two bath towels. I explained I was not a registered guest.  She proceeded to ask me my room number.  Again, I explained I was not a registered guest.  She shook her head no, and said, “We do not sell towels.”  So, I proceeded to tell her the story of why I needed the towels for a joke on my friends, and asked if they still rubber stamp Motel 6 on the towels.  She nastily responded “no,” so I thanked her, and the dauntless one exited.

As I drove home, I thought maybe I should go to Motel Super 8, purchase towels, and send them instead, and tell Tyndall they’ve been upgraded.  But then the thought occurred to me to purchase 2 pillow cases, and have them embroidered with the motel, and their names. Yes that’s what I’m going to do.  I don’t think they’ll be returned to me.  I’ll then include the infamous hand towel. I can’t wait to see what they do next.

Arlene, what time is it?

I was getting ready to record a TV program, when I realized that I had not set the time clock on the DVD recorder.  I asked Arlene, my beautiful wife, if she would tell me the correct time. She turned to me, and with anger in her voice said, “YOU WANT TO KNOW WHAT? THE CORRECT TIME?  YOU’VE SET EVERY CLOCK IN THE HOUSE WITH A DIFFERENT TIME SO YOU SHOULDN’T BE LATE, AND NOW YOU WANT TO KNOW THE CORRECT TIME? ”  I responded by saying “Sweetheart, you have a watch on with the correct time; can you just tell it to me?”  “No, I WILL NOT”, she yelled.  Well I knew I was caught in my own game, and was the one to blame. I like being early for appointments, and if I started to set all of our clocks five minutes fast, I knew that would help me get motivated.  The only problem I had was that the clocks were digital, and we have so many of them in electronic devices throughout the house, that after I set the first one I’d go into the next room, and set the second one, and would pass the desired time by a minute or two, and then I’d continue to the next room.  As you can imagine, some clocks were five minutes fast, and some up to nine minutes fast. This is what disturbed my wife.  I knew she always wore a watch with the correct time, so I figured there would be no problem doing this.  I stood dumbfounded holding the DVD remote in my hand, and thought I’d try again, “Dear could you please tell me the time?”  “No! No! No!" she responded. “THAT DOES IT, NOW I’M GOING TO CHANGE EVERY CLOCK IN THIS HOUSE TO THE CORRECT TIME. I’LL FIX YOU!”  Well, as soon as she said I’ll fix you, I started laughing (advice to you guys, never laugh when your wife is seriously angry) at which point she began telling me she was serious, and I wasn’t to have my way anymore. She’d waited enough years to finally have the correct time throughout the house. It was her turn to decide on the time.

That’s all it took for me to keep quiet.  I said nothing more. I turned to CNN, and got the correct time, and finished preparing the recorder.  Nothing else was said about the incident, and I know that Arlene is very forgiving, so I did not bring it up again that evening.   I woke up extra early the next morning, and noticed she had not yet adjusted the clocks, so I set every clock in the house to the correct time; I really do like to do things that make my wife happy.  I then set my watch five minutes fast, or was it six minutes fast, or seven minutes fast? Oh well, whatever, at least I know I’ll be early for appointments.