What shall I become?

According to Hatzlacha.com  , "Providing employment to a prospective employee is the greatest level of charity and chessed that anyone can achieve."

The "Help Wanted" pages are filled with job descriptions that defy comprehension. This probably explains why so many parents can't quite figure out what their children do.

Shirley Kumove wrote in Pakn Treger that "Women had an interesting gauge by which they evaluated their husbands' efforts at finding work: "Beser az der man shmekt mit vint vi mit roykh." (Better that the husband smells of wind than of smoke.) The "wind" refers to the smell of fresh air attached to a husband out hustling for work, while the odor of "smoke" meant he was sitting idly at home

The following serious and not-so-serious job ads are followed by an appropriate Yiddish expression:

1. SECRETARY NEEDED
Brite-eyed lassie to work in a "one-girl" office in the Empire State Building.
(The New York Times, 10/16/66)
"Ah glick hut mir getrofen."
(Forget about it.)

2. ELEVATOR OPERATORS
Needed at the Roosevelt Hotel in New Orleans. "No one under 65 need apply."
(1942 ad)
"Ess is gut tzu leben un ouchet shlecht tzu leben."
(Life has its ups and downs.)
"Der seykhl kumt nokh di yorn."
(Wisdom comes with the years.)

3. KEYPUNCH HEAVEN IS CALLING YOU
We appreciate good keypunch operators so much--we treat them like ROYALTY. If you're a skilled alphanumeric operator, you'll love our happy relaxed atmosphere and friendly co-workers. Because your job is so IMPORTANT to us, we'll gladly REWARD you with the BIGGEST PAYCHECK you've ever seen. How BIG? Just ask.
"Zaier interesant."
(Very interesting.)
"Vifik kost a sho?"
(How much by the hour?)

4. ADVANCEMENT OPPORTUNITIES
Professional training: $350 per week plus BONES [sic].
(St. Peters, MO, Journal)
"Dershtikt zolstu veren."
(You could choke on it.)

5. PAGING DR. RUTH
The International Inn is seeking a "Dr. Ruth" sound-alike for our newest Cuddle & Bubble radio commercial. To arrange for an audition, call Jen at 775....
(Cape Cod Times)
"A kleyne vaybele ken oykh hoben a groys moyl."
(A small woman can also have a big mouth.)

6. CLOWNS
Run away and join the circus? Really! Contact Ringling Bros. and Barnum and Bailey's Clown College in Sarasota. Call...
"Dos lebn iz der grester spektakl in der velt."
(Life is the Greatest Show on Earth.)
"Lomir danken dem eybershtn far di payatsn tsvishn undz vos veysn ven iz di beste tsayt ontsuton a groys, royte noz."
Literal translation by Prof. Jeffrey Shandler
(Thank God for the clowns among us who know just the right moment when it is time to put on their red bulbous nose.)

7. TYPISTS
Mere Girls are now earning from $10 to $20 a week with the "Type-Writer" and we can secure good situations for one hundred expert writers on it in counting rooms in this city.
(New York newspaper, The Nation, 12/15/1885)

Carl Reiner ("My Anecdotal Life") said that in 1957 he put a new ribbon in his manual typewriter, rolled in a sheet of paper, and without looking at the keys, speedily typed the traditional practice sentence:
Noe is the tume for a good men to come the e aife of thier pastry. [sic]
His last effort showed a marked improvement:
Now is the time for all good men to come to the aid of their paryt. [sic]
"Itst iz di tsayt far ale gute mener tsu kumen tsum hilf far zeyer partey."
(Now is the time for all good men to come to the aid of the party.)

8. BOOKKEEPER AND TYPIST
Thoroughly experienced. Prefer someone with silk underwear.
(The New York Times, 1930)
New job, a promotion, lost weight, or perhaps a new baby, good enough reasons for new underwear...maybe.
Royt? Shvarts? Vays?"
(Red, Black or White?)

9. OFFICE HELP NEEDED
Exper. not nec., but helpful. Must be a CONSCIOUS [sic] worker.
(Oakland Tribune)
"Zg nisht mer afile keyn eyn vort!"
(Don't say another word.)

10. 'VASA' SALESPERSON CAN YOU SELL
a) pantyhose to the New England Patriots
b) snowshoes in San Diego
c) Bible Bars and Testamints--Torah-themed health food supplements
d) Kaballah mountain spring water (one-liter: $2.50)

Ancient Kabbalists believed water to be the source of all healing. Can you urge drinkers to put the bottle to their forehead, meditate for a moment on whatever problem they have, and drink Kaballah water? OR, do you agree with Esquire magazine's Rule No. 73: "All bottled water comes from a faucet n Richmond"?
If you've answered "yes" to a, b, c, and d,
"zeit ir doch ahfen ferd!"
(You're all set.)

11. TSEVISHEN-SHTOTISHEH TELEFONISTKEH
Long-distance operator needed. Do you define "celibacy "as "opting out of cell phones"? No Lily Tomlin types, please. Tom Snyder types,
 "A sheynem dank fardem klung, mayn guter-fraynt"
(Thank you for calling, my friend.), OK.

12. HEAD COUNSELOR
Wanted for "haimishe" bungalow colony in Monticello. Must know Simon Says game, and be able to do the Ruby the Knish Man routine with a Yiddish-inflected voice:
Ladies and Gentlemen, this is Ruby the Knish Man. I'm now on the premises with my homogenized, pasteurized and recently circumcised potato knishes. Please folks, come. I need the money.

If you can prepare the "kinderlech" to put on a production of "Der Yiddisher Mikado,"Der Yiddisher Pinafore," and "Di Yam Gazlonim," call...

13. SEEKING ENTHUSIASTIC, FUN, HARD-WORKING PEOPLE
"Farshtaist?" People WHO STILL LIVE WITH THEIR 'TATEH-MAMEH' and won't mind our internship-level salaries.
"A sof! A sof!"
(Let's end it.)
"A shainem dank in pupik."
(Thanks for nothing.)

14. S.A.T. MATH TEACHERS NEEDED
Grab a #2 pencil, solve this problem...and then get us a call at 212...
South Dakota has a Jewish population of 300; Wyoming has a Jewish population of 400. This represents
a) a 25% increase
b) a 33.33333% increase
c) "Ver vaist?" (Who knows?)
d) "Ich zol azoy vissen fun baiz." (I haven't the faintest idea!) BUT New York has 995 synagogues and New Jersey has 331. But New Jersey shouldn't feel badly because it has 10 times as many synagogues as Missouri (which has 33).

(The correct answer is b).
Stats from CyberRab, Rabbi Rank of the Midway Jewish Center, Syosset, NY.

15. BOOKKEEPER
Exp. all phases, very heavy Valium. Seventh Avenue.
(The Jewish Press)
"Farges on dem Valyum; vi volt zikh gefirt bar-kokhba in dem?"
(Forget the Valium; how would the Lone Ranger handle this?)
(translated by Raphael Finkel)

16. WORK WANTED
Former Vice President desperately needs $$ for White House bid in 2004. Will tutor your child in basic subjects: Math, English and speling [sic]. History my forte...also Ticonderoga, Dix, and Sumter. Send all ikwiries [sic] to Danny Q.
(South Shore Record, 1999)
"Nisht geshtoigen, nisht gefloigen."
(It's not true whatsoever.)

17. PROFESSOR
University seeks Ph.D. aware of national grade inflation, able to give "C" papers an "A" without grumbling. Compensation: educating new generation of number crunchers.
(ad suggested by Jenny Lyn Bader)
"Es iz a shandeh far di kinder!"
(It's a shame for the children.)

18. LOOKING FOR A 'LAMED-VOVNIK OF HUMOR
A hidden saint of Jewish comedy.
"Vos hert zich?" (What do you hear around?)
When Alan King was a kid, he wanted to be somebody. And then he found that amusing people was a great way to "machel a lebel" (make a living). And now you might say it is the syndrome of the Jews: If you don't laugh, you die.

19. 'MUZIK' TEACHER
"Zing mir a lidl." (Sing me a song.)
YMHA needs "muzik" teacher for 3 - 5 year olds. Must be able to teach songs in Yiddish. No Shlock Rock's raps, including "Rockin' Rabbi," "Minyan Man," and "Yo Yo Yo Yarmulke."
Do you know "A Song for the Ainiklach"?
Patshi, patshi, kichelach
Mame koifn shichelach
Tate, koifn zekelah
A gezunt dir in di bekelach

Clap hands, clap hands, cookies
Mama will buy shoes
Papa will buy socks
And health in your cheeks.

Source: "You Can't Do Business (Or Most Anything Else) Without Yiddish" by Leon H. Gildin

20. SCHNEIDER/CUTTER/TAILOR needed ASAP.
Our customers think Yiddish and dress British.
According to BubeGele@aol.com (Khana Mlotok), "Ot azoy neyt a shnayder" means "This is how a tailor sews."
Do you know this folksong?
Yome, Yome, Shpil mir a lidele Vos dos meydele vil, Dos meydele vil a kleydele hobn Darf me geyn dem shnayder zogn.
Yome, Yome, play a song for me What the girls wants, The girl wants a dress, So we have to tell the tailor.

21. WEATHERMAN
Applicants must know the difference between "hepidik" (foggy) and "shpreyen" (drizzle). They should agree with Norman Dvoskin that a Hurricane Watch is when the supermarkets are full of people who don't want to be caught with their PANTRIES down. Call l-800...
"As es shneyt, meynt es as Got flikt di kishens, un lozt aroys di federn."
(When it's snowing, it means that God is letting the feathers out of the pillows.)
"Tropns klapn af ayn kop."
literally: Drops are knocking on my head.
This was recorded by duo Seymour Rexite and Miriam Kressyn.
"Me ken oifdekn a sakh veytikn ven se geyt a regn"
(One can find so many pains when the rain is falling.)

22. SHEITEL MACHER
Exp. for Borough Park "shainkeit-salon"--beauty parlor.
"Bei Mir Bistu Schoen"
(To me you are so beautiful.)
"Nit dos iz sheyn, vos iz sheyn, nor dos, vos es gefelt."
(Beauty is not what is beautiful, but what one likes.)

23. CROSSWORD PUZZLE-MAKER
Think Will Shortz, Eugene T. Maleska, and Randolph (Randy) Ross. Can you write "a two-cups-of-coffee" puzzle? Take this test to see if you qualify for an interview.
Cook alone (9 letters)
Like Fran Drescher's voice (5 letters)
Russian-Jewish dance, cures arthritis (9 letters)
Choking feeling you get when cleaning your freezer after a 3-day power outage (10 letters)
Yiddish lyricists' favorite rhyme for "velt" (4 letters)
Of a certain Jewish sect (7 letters)
Between W.W. I & II performers combined English & Yiddish into this form (13 letters)

ANSWERS (NO CHEATING)
Kochalyn, nasal, Kazatskeh, vershtickt, gelt, Hasidic, Potato Yiddish

24. REBBE WANTED. ON THE BUS.
Well paid. Please call 7l8...
(The Jewish Press, 9/3/99)
"Dos iz b'emes a maternish."
(That is true torture.)

25. EXECUTIVE DIRECTOR
From 24 to 40 years of age. To sit at desk from 9 to 5 and watch other people work. Must be willing to play golf every other afternoon. Salary over $350 to start. WE DON'T HAVE THIS JOB. We just thought we'd like to see in print what everyone is applying for.
(San Antonio Evening News)
"Dorten iz gut vu mir seinen nito!"
(That place seems good where we are not.)

26. VIDEO MARITAL THERAPIST
Can you handle patients who are chronic channel flippers? Do you agree that couples who used to fight over which TV show to watch, now fight over the remote? According to Alexis J. Walker ("Gender Power, and the remote control: Couples watching television"), "husbands get to watch what they want, and how they want it (i.e., using the remote). That is, leisure behavior in families is about power."
"Der man iz der balebos--az di veib zaine lozt."
(The husband is the boss--if his wife allows.

27. VOLUNTEERS NEEDED AT KOSHER SOUP KITCHEN
Love and marriage "geyt tzuzamen vi zup un knaydlakh."
According to the late Seymour Rexite and Miriam Kressyn,
"Love and marriage go together like soup and dumplings," instead of "like a horse and carriage."

28. HEALTHY PERSON
Need healthy individual to serve as spokesperson/model client for HMO wellness center. Seek an aggressively healthy individual, capable of in-your-face health. Duties consist of hanging around reception area looking healthy. Occasional appearances at trade shows and health fairs will require travel and competitive wellness (looking and acting healthier than representatives of other HMOs)...No sick days.
Source: "The Slacker Track - Want ads for Truly Easy Jobs" by Craig Lambert
I'm "gezunt vi a ferd"--healthy as a horse.

29. TOKEN CLERK
What do people do with their leftover tokens? They take them to the Transit Authority Bldg. at 370 Jay Street, B'klyn. Clerks needed to handle the 13 million tokens still in circulation.
"Far tsvey dolars ken men arayngeyn in metro un a knobl vel dir bafrayen an ort."
(Two dollars will get you on the subway, but garlic will get you a seat.)
(Translated by Daniel Nurivey. It reflects the usage of Yiddish in the Soviet Union and especially in the Ukraine.)