Do you work for a "Gantser k'nacker"--a CEO or a hotshot? Does your boss adjust the tint on your monitor so that the brightness level lights up the entire work area? Does your boss blame you for the company's "finster yor" (horrible year)? Are you using an IBM clone that uses Taiwanese-made chips, and Korean-made monitors, assembled by Bangladeshi workers in a Singapore plant, trucked by Mexican illegal aliens, and finally sold to your boss? Or, do you work for a "feinshmeker"--a person of fine taste?

Shown below is a tongue-in-cheek quiz to find out how compatible you are with your "balebos" (big boss.) Circle any group of pairs that resembles your relationship with your boss. Check the scoring section at the end to see how you fared.


1.

A) I think the 3 R's are "Rachmones, Rachmones, Rachmones" (compassions, mercy, pity)

B) The BALEBOS considers the 3 R's the Risk/Reward Ratio

C) "A braireh hob ich?" (I have a choice?)


2.

A) I say "Danken Got es iz Fraytik" (Thank God It's Friday)

B) The BALEBOS--a workaholic--says, "Danken Gut es iz Montik." (Thank God It's Monday)


3.

A) I say "Oy, Oy, mir hoben eyn tsore" (Oy, Oy, Oy, we have a problem) with the postage meter machine

B) The BALEBOS gives a "geshrai" (yell), "es iz als in a tog arbet" (It's all in a day's work), and calls Mr. Pitney and Mr. Bowes


4.

A) I nosh on Rugelach, Halvah, "kez-kuchen" (cheese cake), and "eiz krem" (ice cream). "Se tsegait zich in moy!" (Yummy, yummy! It melts in your mouth.)

B) The BALEBOS noshes on "zup" (soup) with St. John's Wort, cereal with ginko, calcium-fortified prune juice, and "a glayzel kve" (a cup or glass of coffee)


5.

A) I wear Selah Eau de Parfum, a product which is fashioned in Israel and takes its name from the Hebrew word for "forever"

B) The BALEBOS wears "Hebrute"--Israeli aftershave


6.

A) I consider myself a Rosemary Woods/Miss Genevieve/Gertie type

B) The BALEBOS says I'm the Elizabeth Ray/Fawn Hall/Monica Lewinsky type. "Er ret in der velt arein" (He talks nonsense.)


7.

A) I love "shushken zich" (to gossip, schmooze) and consider office gossip like a sweet "oybst" (fruit). It has to be juicy to be good.

B) The BALEBOS says that office gossip is "Loshen horeh iz di ergsteh mideh un gresteh tsoreh" (gossiping is the worst habit and the biggest calumny)


8.

A) I go window shopping

B) The BALEBOS goes WINDOWS shopping


9.

A) On Casual Thursday, I follow the advice of Margaret Berry: "Jeans are the biggest indicator of age. It's a problem if you can look at a woman's jeans and know what year she graduated from college." (NYU, 1958!) I wear jeans that ride as low as possible; they creep south.

B) The BALEBOS wears " gatkes" (long underwear in the winter, Gap khakis, denim shirt, and Birkenstock sandals.


10.

A) I celebrate every "simcha," including International Pantyhose Appreciation Day" and "Fun at Work Day"

B) The BALEBOS celebrates "Clean Off Your Desk Day" and "Air-Conditioning Appreciation Week


11.

A) I like "kaveh mit shmant" (coffee with cream)

B) The BALEBOS enjoys "Trent Latte" - a $3.25 beverage as "separate but equal parts milk and coffee." It's up to the customer to integrate them.


12.

A) I buy "a bessereh kvalitet" (a better quality of) office supplies and shop at Staples

B) The BALEBOS shops at a "shlak joint" (cut-rate store) and asks the clerk, "Epes biliger, zeit azoy gut" (something cheaper, please). He doesn't know the expression, "Kargen iz erger vi ganvenen" (to be miserly is worse than to steal)


13.

A) I invest in all the relics of the 50s: Ko-Rec-Type, carbon paper, and Bic Wite-Out

B) The BALEBOS invests in the 'BESK"-- a combination of "bet" (bed) and office desk designed for people who work late at the office


14.

A) I vacation "yorayn, yoroys" (year in, year out) at the Fallsview, the Hotel Nevele Grand, or Homowack. "Handelshaft iz kain brudershaft" (Don't mix business with pleasure)

B) The BALEBOS takes BizVacs. He merges business trips and vacations in Machu Picchu


15.

A) I speak "ah bisel" Yiddish and "ah bisel" Yinglish

B) The BALEBOS speaks "tsebrochener English" (fractured English)


16.

A) I suffer from Interviewophobia--a Mollie Fermaglich term for the fear that I'll be interviewed by someone young enough to think that Woodstock is Snoopy's bird-pal

B) The BALEBOS suffers from Transcontophobia, fear that, while traveling for the company, Business Class will be filled, all the aisle and window seats will be taken, and he'll be sandwiched in between a whole-life insurance-policy "farkoyfer" (salesman) and someone who's more familiar with Sesame Street than Wall Street


17.

A) I know that "Ms." means "any female"

B) The BALEBOS assumes "Ms." means "Meshugeneh"


18.

A) I book my kosher Alaska cruise with www.thewanderingjew.net

B) The BALEBOS cruises on the Information Superhighway


19.

A) I drink Kabbalah water or Artie's "vasser" (water), bottled in New York's Catskill mountains. What could be more "geshmak" (tasty) than Jewish water from the Catskills

B) The BALEBOS takes an empty bottle of Dansani or Aquafina Essentials and fills it with tap water from the Bronx


20.

A) I suffer from the indignity known as the "Incredibly Shrinking Cubicle." (My office is so small that I have to go outside to change my mind.)

B) The BALEBOS, like many office designers, calls smaller cubicles "densifying"


21.

A) I make snap decisions: "Nit raicheren" (No smoking!); "Farkerevet zich oyf rechts" (Turn right!); "Shtelt zich op dah!" (Stop here!)

B) The BALEBOS is paralyzed by indecision: "Yu, Yu, Nany, Nayn" (Yes, Yes, No, No...Maybe)


22.

A) I'm good at "arithmetik." If I save $3.50 a day on a latte, that's $105 a month. At $105 a month for 12 months, that's $1,260. Over 30 years at work, "Vifil ost es" (How much is it?) $37,800.

B) The BALEBOS is math phobic. He talks about taking the Geometry Math Regents in 1955. "Oy, those theorems! It was like learning 'ah blatt Gemara' while standing on your head." (Thanks to Arnold Fine for this one.)


23.

A) I shop for the 3 B' (bialys, bagels, and bulkas) at Kossar's Bialystoker Kitchen Bakery

B) The BALEBOS frequents Bagel Mentsh


24.

A) I say "hi-fi"...and I've just about had it. "A deigeh hob ich!" (I don't give a hang!) I made the transition from the Victrola to the 8-track, from the 8-track to the cassette tape, from the cassette tape to the CD, from mono to stereo, from a VCR to a DVD. What's all this stuff? Digital? Dolby? Flat screens with HDTV? DIS sound?

B) The BALEBOS says, "Wi-Fi"--which stands for "wireless fidelity"


25.

A) I brag about my "drei zuns" (three sons) who are world travelers. One was teaching in Tel Aviv. Another is on an archeological dig in the Roman-Byzantine village of Gedi. Any my "mizinikil" (youngest child) is volunteering at the National Yiddish Book Center in Amherst, Mass.

B) The BALEBOS says, "vos iz?" (What's it about you, Malka, that makes your kids want to get so far away?"


26.

A) I define "a shandeh" as the Kirk Douglas performance in the movie, "It Runs in the Family." He asks his grandson, Asher, about his relationship with a girlfriend: "Are you shtupping her?" ("shtupping" is a vulgar Yiddish word for having sexual intercourse.) When Asher responds, "Not yet," Grandpa asks, "Why not?"

B) The BALEBOS defines "a shandeh" as the 1992 Mets and Yankees (from the show, "The Sheik of Avenue B"

SCORING
Allow one point for each circled answer.

12 -26 points: You are hopelessly incompatible with your BALEBOS. You must be "gehakteh tsores"--in utter misery. Contact a head hunter NOW. "Fang shoyn on!" (Come on, get going.)

1-11 points: Mazel-tov! You and your BALEBOS are very compatible. Ask for more "gelt"--a raise.