HERT ZICH EIN! KEYNER ZOGT NIT "OY" AZ ES TUT NIT VEY
(Listen here! One doesn't cry "ouch" if he's not in pain.)

I enjoy the humor of cartoonist, P. C. Vey. In a recent issue of The New Yorker, he drew a cartoon portraying a "dokter" and a "patsyent" in a medical office. Five diplomas are prominently displayed on the wall. The physician appears to be wearing a 27-inch stethoscope--as opposed to the old 22-inch version--which increases the distance between doctor and patient. The patient, a gentleman, is "dershrokn" (frightened). What are the results of the tests? "Tsi darf ikh geyn in a shpitol?" (Do I have to go to a hospital?)

The physician, obviously lacking "saichel" (common sense) and "rachmones" (compassion), says to the patient, "There's no easy way I can tell you this, so I'm sending you to someone who can."

Starting in 2004, medical students nationwide will have to pass a test of bedside manner as well as clinical skills to become physicians. "Sof-kol-sof." (Finally!)

The National Board of Medical Examiners will measure skills such as how well students listen to patients and how artfully they question them. Students will examine 10 people trained to act as if they have various ailments. After each 15-minute exam, the students will get 10 minutes to record their observations. Later, they meet with senior physicians to report their findings.

Dr. Richard M. Frankel, a leading expert on doctor-patient communication, found that physicians, on average, gave patients only 18 seconds to describe their medical complaint before interrupting. He also found that encounters with medical staff often left patients feeling "humiliated." Some doctors were rude; others didn't look patients in the eye. Many spoke in confusing medical jargon.

Here's my proposal for testing Yiddish-speaking medical students, those who contemplate practicing in areas where Yiddish is the primary language.

TEST QUESTION:

A new patient (AKA "a hit") comes into your office "kvetshn" of a 'BIALY ACHE"--n. The result of "lontsh" (lunch) at her mother's condo, and "mitog" (dinner) at her mother-in-law's home. What is the appropriate way for you, "der dokter," to communicate with your patient? Circle any expressions that you WOULD use. (See the scoring section at the end.)

A.
"Vos makht ir?"
(How are you?)

B.
"Bubeleh, ir zet oys gut."
(Bubuleh, you look well.)

C.
"Deigeh nisht!"
(Don't worry!)

D.
"Es vet zich alts oyspressen."
(It will all work out.)

E.
"It's not a 'farshlepteh krenk.'"
(It's not a sickness that hangs on endlessly.)

F.
"Mach nit kain tsimmes fun dem!"
"Don't make a 'gantseh megillah' out of it."
(Don't make a big deal out of it.)

G.
"Es vet zich oys-hallen biz der chassneh."
(It will heal in time for the wedding.)

H.
"Jews are the Chosen People--chosen for tsuris!"

I.
"Freg mir nit keyn kashes."
(Don't ask me any questions.)

J.
"Ver vaist?"
(Who knows...what's wrong with you?)

K.
"Makh es kaylekh un shpitsik!"
(Come to the point!)

L.
"Zindik nit."
(Don't complain.)

M.
"Her nor!" (Listen!) Post your symptoms on the Internet and you'll get a 'toyznt' (thousand) second opinions."

N.
"I'm no health-care provider. Ikh bin a doktor."

O.
"Me vert tsugevoynt tsu di tsores."
(We grow accustomed to our troubles.)
"Lomir redn fun freylikher zakhn."
(Let's talk about more cheerful things.)

P.
"Are you a 'fresser'?"
(Are you a compulsive eater?)

Q.
"Vos vilt ir fun mir? Ir zend shoyn zibetsig yor alt."
(What do you want of me? You are already seventy years old.)

R.
"G'vald! (Help!) You've taken PEPTO-ABYSMAL, that ineffective heartburn remedy!"

S.
"Meditsin?" (Medicine?) "Es vet helfen vi a toyten bankes."
(It will help about as much as "cupping" can help a corpse.)

T.
"You're tried 'Bankes'--those cups used for healing the sick? Narishkeit."
(Foolishness.)

U.
"Klap mir nit in kop arayn!"
(Stop talking so much!)

V.
"A 'shnorrer' consults with ECureMe.com, AskADoctor.com, eclevelandclinic.com, or mdmaiven.com."

W.
"Di tsayt iz der bester doktor."
(Time is the best doctor.)

X.
"Tsores mit zup iz gringer tsu fartrogn vi tsores on zup."
(Worries with soup are easier to bear than worries without soup.)

Y.
"Apenditsit"? (Appendicitis?)
"An alergye"? (An allergy?) Nisht! (Not!) "Farshtopung!" (Constipation!)
Take "tsvey" tablets of Imodium...and call me in the 'morgn.'"

Z.
"Gezunt zolst du zayn!" (May you be healthy.)

KEY:

If you circled the letters
F, G, I, J, K, L, M, N, O, Q, R, S, T, U, V, or W, you'd better get a Yiddisher Mama to explain this expression:
"Verter muz men vegen un nit tsailen." (Words must be weighed and NOT counted.)
__________

Marjorie Gottlieb Wolfe has two final words to say: "Zay gezunt"--Be well.