Camp directors have discovered that the most expensive gift on earth is the gift of gab. As a result, some adhere to the KISS (Keep It So Short/Keep It So Simple) method of communicating with mames, tates, bobes, zeydes and campers.

Rumor has it that one Jewish camp uses voice routing; it offers a thicket of options:

YOU HAVE REACHED CAMP FRAILECH. ALL THE LINES ARE BUSY.
Press 1. Muzak: "Hello Mudda, Hello Fadda"
THANK YOU FOR WAITING. IF YOU ARE CALLING THE CAMP DIRECTOR,
Press 2.
IF YOU WISH TO SPEAK WITH YOUR 'KINDERLECH" IN PIONEER ALEPH,
Press 3.
PIONEER BET,
Press 4.
SABRA SAFARI,
Press 5.
IF YOUR CHILD IS HOMESICK AND HAS WRITTEN ONE OF THOSE FAMOUS 'PLEASE RESCUE ME" LETTERS,
HANG UP IMMEDIATELY. "Es vet zich alts oyspressen."
IF YOUR CHILD HAS SCHLEPPED 65 LBS. OF CLOTHES AND SPORTING EQUIPMENT AND IT HASN'T ARRIVED AT HIS BUNK, "DEIGEH NISHT!"
Press 6.
IF YOU ARE CALLING A COUNSELOR OR A CIT, "mach es shnell!"
Press 7.
IF YOU WISH TO SPEAK WITH THE BOOKKEEPER REGARDING AN UNANTICIPATED CASH FLOW PROBLEM, "oi vai iz mir!"
Press 8 + GELT.
IF YOU WISH TO BE CONNECTED WITH THE CAMP PHYSICIAN REGARDING A SEVERE CASE OF SWIMMER'S EAR, BLUE-JEAN NICKEL BUTTON DERMATITIS, BIKINI BOTTOM, FLIP-FLOP DERMATITIS, NINTENTO EPILEPSY, INTERNET ADDICTION DISORDER, OR THE CURRENT DISEASE OF THE WEEK,
Press 9 + KRENK.
IF YOU ARE CALLING THE CAMP LOST AND FOUND REGARDING A MISSING RETAINER, A LEFT NIKI SNEAKER, LEO DI CAPRIO POSTERS, BEANIE BABIES, ETC.,
Press 10.
FOR QUESTIONS ABOUT YOUR CHILD'S ALLERGIES,
Press 11 + AH-CHOO.
FOR THE RESULTS OF COLOR WAR,
Press 12.
FOR COMPLAINTS TO OUR CAMP 'MOTHER' REGARDING THE FACT THAT OUR WASHING MACHINES HAVE JUST TWO SETTINGS:
'VERY SMUTSIK' AND 'DO NOT BREATHE,"
Press 13.
TO CHECK THE BALANCE IN YOUR KINDERLECH'S CANTEEN FUND,
Press 14.
IF YOU'RE CALLING--AND IT'S SHABBOS--HANG UP. "Es iz a shandeh far di kinder."
FOR INFORMATION ABOUT PARENTS' WEEKEND ("Mir zolen zich bagegenen ahf simches),
Press 15.
TO RESERVE SEATS FOR THE CAMP PERFORMANCE OF "DE MEISEH EIN POCAYENTA" (The Story of Pocayenta),
Press 16.
TO ORDER A 4-WEEK SUPPLY OF 'BUBBEGUM" (a Joseph & Nash term for "candy one's mother gives to her grandchildren that she never gave to her own children)
Press 17 + NOSH.
TO ENROLL YOUR KINDERLECH FOR NEXT YEAR ("A shainen dank!"),
Press 18.
FOR INFORMATION ABOUT OUR CAMP REUNION IN DECEMBER ("S'iz mir gut!"),
Press 19.
Zei(t) gezunt.
Marjorie Gottlieb Wolfe is a free-lance writer from Syosset, New York. She and her husband once worked at Camp Leonard-Leonore in Kent, Connecticut. She slept in a bunk, not a "frame-supported tension structure" (AKA a "tent")