Ruchel walks into a little shoe store and was greeted by the salesman.

"Nu, Ruchel, how can I help you?"

Ruchel, with a "umetik punim" (sad face) complains: "My husband drives me crazy all day long. My son, Shmuel, has been thrown out of the Yeshiva because he is fresh to 'der rebe,' and my 'tokhter' wants to get married, but there isn't a 'shadkhn' in town who can find her a fellow. She's now searching via JDate.com...and says that all the guys look like they're from 'Ocean's Eleven.' I guess they resemble George Clooney, Brad Pitt, and Matt Damon. My doctor put me on a 'diete' and prescribed Glucophage tablets for my 'tsukerkrenk' (Diabetes)."

The salesman sighed and said, "I know that you wear a size 'tsen,' but I'm giving you 'shikh mit hoykhe kletzer' (high heel shoes) in size 'akht.'

Ruchel asked, "But why a size 8 when we both know I need a size 10? If I took a size 'akht' they would pinch a whole day."

"Aha!" smiled the shoe man. "With all your aggravation, you deserve a little 'fargenign' (pleasure). Just think of the happiness you'll get every night when you take off these size eights!"

How many times have you complained, "Oy, vey, my 'fus' (foot) hurts?" "Der dokter" says that a woman in high-heel shoes puts more pounds per square inch on the road than an 18 wheeler does. He also says that the heel of a stiletto spiked heel shoe puts more PSI on the ground than the Empire State Building's foundations. And the common comparison is that a woman in stiletto heels is more dangerous to wooden floors than an 'elfand' (elephant) because of the 'kleyn' (small) area the downward force is placed on.

Lenore Skenazy said, "...any girl who ever played with Barbie learned an extremely crucial physics lesson: Wear heels all your life and eventually your foot will freeze into the shape of an ice cream cone."

Shoe designer, Manolo Blahnik, recently withdrew a pair of shoes from the market. The heals, made of titanium, were 3.4 in./9 cm high and only .12 in/3 mm wide. They were so "dar" (thin) that even the lightest wearer could cut through "tepekh" (carpet) or leave pockmarks in a wooden floor.

Unlike Barbie dolls, human feet were not constructed with high heels in mind. Stilettos push heels up at angles of 60 to 70 degrees and shorten the calf muscles, or the Achilles tendon. Women who wear high heels are more prone to developing bunions. 29 women of every one thousand develop bunions, compared with a mere 6 men in one thousand.

Dr. Paul Stevenson, a nuclear physicist (his mother is"shepen naches"), did research on high-heels. He tried to show that physics is applicable to everyday matters, like wearing shoes.

Remember Carrie Bradshaw ("Sex in the City")--an experienced high-heel wearer? Well, physicists at the Institute of Physics have devised a formula that high-heel fans can use to work out just how high they can go. Based on your shoe size, the formula tells you the maximum height of heel you can wear without toppling over or suffering "yesurim" and "veytik"--agony and pain.

Using Dr. Stevenson's formula, "If Carrie Bradshaw, who is an experienced high-heel wearer (let's guess at 5 years experience) wears her latest drop-dead gorgeous designer originals WHEN SOBER, she can cope with a heel height of a staggering 11.5 centimeters (just over 5 inches). However, if she over-indulges in "der kokteyls" (the cocktails), the 'safe' heel height (and perhaps also Carrie) plummets. If she consumes "zeks" (6) units of alcohol, she would be better advised to stick to shoes with only 2 cm heels.

The formula:
A (alcohol) = 6, Q factor falls to 0.15, giving a heel height of 2.0lcm.

"Freg mir nit keyn kashes." (Don't ask me any questions.)
I majored in Business Education, not Physics.

Marjorie Gottlieb Wolfe is the author of a new book titled, "Are Yentas, Kibitzers, & Tummlers Weapons of Mass Instruction? Yiddish Trivia."
She has often quoted Faith Whittlesey:
"Remember, Ginger Rogers did everything Fred Astaire did, but she did it backwards and in high heels."