*menopause, and, according to Archie Bunker, Edith goes to a "groinocologist" when she experiences "mental pause."

In celebration of my "plentieth" birthday, my husband presented me with tickets to the Off Broadway show, "Menopause the Musical." It's a musical parody of "fir" (4) women at a lingerie sale at Bloomingdale's with nothing in common but a "shvarts" (black) lace bra...and memory loss, hot flashes, "nakht" (night) sweats, chocolate binges, wrinkles, plastic surgery, hormones, not enough sex, too much sex, and much more.

My husband should know that if I listen to "tsvantsik" (20) minutes of Lily Tomlin joking about the "telefon firme" (telephone company), I laugh. When faced with "nakht" (night) sweats, I simply remember the sign posted outside of a local church:
DON'T GIVE UP. EVEN MOSES WAS A BASKET CASE.

Why pay $49.50 a ticket, when I can amuse myself by watching re-runs of "The Honeymooners?" On the Feb. 2, 1976 episode, the story concerns itself with the Kramden's intention to celebrate their "zilber" (silver) wedding anniversary with a secret ceremony-- at the Raccoon Lodge. Along the way, Ralph jumps to the conclusion that Alice is "shvanger" (pregnant). Yes, Alice IS expecting...her "muter" (mother).

For those who can't see "Menopause," here's a list of words dealing with "the changes":

ADVICE (from Martha Stewart)

"Don't toss out all those plucked gray hairs. You can weave them into a fun oven mitt or a cozy for the easy chair."

BOOK

"Madame Ovary's Midlife As An Art Form" by Gail Larsen. One reviewer wrote, "If the only fairy tale that has come true for you is 'the hair on your chinny chin chin,' you'll love the book."

CONVERSATION STOPPERS

"Get a hearing aid! I said, 'Shrek' (the gruff, kindhearted ogre), not that vulgar Yiddish word, 'drek.'"

"If Barbie were life-size, her measurements would be 39-23-33...very similar to mine before menopoyze."

"I've got a 'beser' (better) memory than Kenneth Lay!"

"Hert zich ein! I wonder how much information the E-ZPass Company has on me in its computers."

ERMA BOMBECK QUOTE

"I remember one day Yvonne came by to tell me about Elaine's hysterectomy and before she could go into detail, my youngest parked himself between our coffee cups and observed, 'Dogs get fat after their operation. I hope poor Elaine can hold her own.'"

ESTROGEN

Erma Bombeck once told the man behind the desk at the motor vehicle office, when he asked her age, "I'm somewhere between estrogen and death."

ESTROGEN ISSUES

"Oy, gevald! The dryer has shrunk every piece of clothing in my wardrobe."

EXCITING

A code word for wild mood swings; wishing that our age could be like a shopping spree: 50% off. Or, watching those TV ads for Herbal Essence Shampoo that depict women getting wildly "organic" shampoos.

FEMALE HORMONE DEFICIENCY

You take a sudden interest in Jackie Mason, Harrison Ford, Dave Lieberman (the 25-year-old Jewish celebrity chef), Larry Page and Sergey Brin (The Google Guys)...and "Wrestlemania."

GINKGO BILOBA

Steve Martin (Shouts & Murmurs, The New Yorker) says that one solution for memory loss is to take regular doses of Ginkgo biloba. He strongly advised that those taking Ginkgo biloba label the bottle "Memory Pills."
"There is nothing more embarrassing than looking at a bottle of Ginkgo biloba and thinking it's a reliquary for a Spanish explorer," says Martin.

HORMONE THERAPY

You're on so much estrogen that you take your 4H group on a field trip to see The Chippendales.

"HEYS" (HOT) FLASHES

Joan Rivers said, "I'm having hot flashes I went to my gynecologist. He didn't use rubber gloves--he used an oven mitt.

IRRITABILITY

Your husband or "significant other" greets you at the door carrying a long-stem "royz."
"Hi, honey, I'm home." You reply,
"Well, if it isn't Ozzie freakin' Nelson."

LINDA LAVIN

In the 1993 TV show, "Room for Two," starring Linda Lavin as Edie Kurland, one episode was titled, "A Pause for Menopause."

MALE GENDER

Ever notice how many women's problems can be traced to the male gender? MENstruation, MENopause, MENtal breakdown, GUYnecology, HIMmorrhoids, etc.

MALE MENOPAUSE (aka "andropause")

Male menopause is a lot more fun than female menopause. With female menopause you gain weight and get hot flashes. Male menopause - you get to date "yung" girls, join the motorcycle club, "Chai Riders," and drive Harley-Davidson motorcycles.

MEMORY ("zikorn") DEFICIENCY

Erma Bombeck wrote, "Memory deficiency got so bad with me, I forgot to repeat a piece of gossip I swore on, my grandmother's grave, never to divulge."

MEMORY LOSS

You write Post-it notes with your grandchildren's names on them--but you remember the names of the Five Little Pepper kids: Ben, Phronsie, Polly, Joel, and Davie.

MOOD SWINGS ("di shtimung" swings)

Your husband jokes that instead of buying a wood burning stove, he is using YOU to heat the "great room" next "vinter." Rather than just saying that you are not amused, you erase all of his taped "Baywatch" programs.

MOVIE THEATRE ("der kino")

In the 5-minute 1998 film, "Men are from Moon," men tell everything they know about "menopoyze." No wonder the film is so short!

NIGHT ("nakht") SWEATS

The person you sleep with complains about "der shney" (the snow) piling up on "di bet."

PERFECTION

"Don't use the word 'aging' to describe me... because honey, I'm simply ripening to perfection."
(cartoon caption by Blossom Fulle)

PMS

She orders a Triple Bypass burger, super-sized fries, a bucket of chicken nuggets, and then mauls the manager because they're out of Diet Coke.

RED HAT SOCIETY

There's a Red Hat Society chapter in Peoria, IL, with the just plain funny name of "Is It Hot, or Is It Just Me, Red Hat Society." Another chapter is named, "W.O.E." (Women Out of Estrogen).

PREMARIN

The elliptical "broyn pil" (brown pill), not the "lila" (purple) one! (The generic equivalent to Premarin is "chicken soup to go.")

SENIOR ("elter") MOMENT CONVERSATIONS

"You ever been told you resemble Alfred E. Smith--you know, that guy who ran with what's-his-name in that election?"

"Who would have believed that we lived long enough to be called 'woopies'--well-off older persons. Now if I could just replace that 'Early Depression furniture!'"

STATISTIC

Dr. Cliff Huxtable ("The Cosby Show") was an OB-GYN...and in 22 minutes he could solve all female health problems.

And, according to Molly Katz, "Of 950 Jews in the average medical center at any moment, 918 are visitors. None, beneath the rank of Attending Physician, are staff."

SUDDEN 'VOG" (weight) GAIN

You need the "Jaws of Life" to help you out of your car after returning from dinner at Hooter's, the Outback Steakhouse, Friday's, Chuck E. Cheese, or Ratner's.

TOURS

A California travel agency offers "Menopausal Tours. No men allowed." As if any man who is not employed in pharmaceutical sales would like to get on board that particular fun "shif" (ship).

______
P.S. Is it "heys" in here or is it me?

Marjorie Gottlieb Wolfe is the author of a book titled, "Are Yentas, Kibitzers, & Tummlers Weapons of Mass Instruction? Yiddish Trivia."
To order, contact her at Wolfeny@webtv.net.