One of the more popular Tree of Life Bar Mitzvah cards has the following printed inscription:

Today you are a man. But someone else will still have to drive you home. Isn't life funny?

Sylvia S. Seaman defines a Bar Mitzvah as "the thirteenth birthday. "Today I am a man" Day. But the boy can still be ordered around, especially by a grandmother."

Today's Bar Mitzvah/Bat Mitzvah is one that Jewish families of another era would scarcely recognize. We have affairs at "high-holy" places like the Beverly Hills Hotel, the Hard Rock Cafe, the VIP Room at Dodger Stadium, the Orange Bowl, Ford Field in Detroit, and at Leonard's of Great Neck. "Dos grunteygns" (the real estate) tycoon, Gerald Guterman, rented the QE2 for his son's Bar Mitzvah, and the Harlem Wizards were invited to shoot hoops with another Bar Mitzvah by and his friends.

"Far gelt ken men alts koyfn, nor keyn seykhl nit." (For money one can by anything except good sense.)

In 2005 you can buy Bar Mitzvah speeches online. For $27, occasionalwords.com will even provide a speech for the dad of the Bar Mitzvah. The site says:

The bills haven't all come in yet, Your wife looks fantastic, and for once the kids are getting along with each other. Celebrate your blessings with a few appropriate words for your family and friends.

And in 2004, Mark Nadler held a "bark mitzvah" for his wheaten terrier. The dog wore a bib patterned with stars of David. The buffet included a platter of chopped liver sculpted into the shape of a huge bone and colorful chips set out in double-bowl dog dishes. Muzzle Tov!

Today, even NON-JEWS are celebrating faux Bar Mitzvahs. The Wall Street Journal reported that a number of kids around 13, who aren't Jewish, are bugging their parents for parties that resemble Bar Mitzvah ceremonies. "Lekherlekh!" (Ridiculous!) Hart to Hart, a party company in Woodland Hills, CA, has organized more than a dozen parties in one year for non-Jewish 13-year-olds.

Today we've even got Bar Mitzvah Bouncers! Evan Wofsky, a middle-school teacher from Livingston, NJ, doubles on weekends as the Bar Mitzvah Bouncer. He's a tamer of 13-year-olds at fancy affairs. He-- and his staff of 15 teachers--supervise the behavior of Bar Mitzvah and Bat Mitzvah celebrants. They make sure kids don't misbehave on "der oytobus" (bus) between the synagogue and the catering hall, or in the bathrooms, alcoves and parking lots outside the party room.

Do you remember when Bar Mitzvahs were simple affairs celebrated with a glass of Manischewitz? A neighbor of mine, Stan Friedland, is the co-author of a 1998 book titled, "An Orphan Has Many Parents." He spent many years at the Pride of Judea Children's Home (AKA "the Pride"), and describes his Bar Mitzvah:

As is typical of Orthodox Judaism, the children at the Home began attending Hebrew classes to prepare for bar mitzvah at age eight and continued until the event itself. With no father alive, I would be bar mitzvah at age twelve...Our annual bar mitzvahs were held in one of Brooklyn's finest hotels, the St. George. We had the synagogue part at the Pride on a particular Shabbos, and the next day, we had a luncheon at the St. George. I was bar mitzvah with about eight or nine others and we actually enjoyed ourselves on both days. In fact, after the Sunday luncheon, we went swimming in the St. George pool and had a great time.

Ross Hirschmann also wrote about his Bar Mitzvah (Rabbi Nechemia Coopersmith, Editor-in-Chief, Aish.com):

For my Bar Mitzvah, I thought I had really 'cleaned up.' I received a new Bar Mitzvah suit on sale for $29.99 (a good deal, even for 1976!) and a total of $35, of which $25 was in a savings bond that I lost...The reception was simply the normal Saturday 'oneg' the temple had with an additional cake my parents bought that said, "Mazel Tov, Ross!" That was it. Period. End of Bar Mitzvah.

Another friend of mine, Abe Maurer, 83 years young, held his second Bar Mitzvah on May 14, 2005. (After reaching the Biblical age of 70, we can count forward as if we can repeat a Bar Mitzvah ceremony.)

Abe's speech was a one pager thanking the cantor, his daughters who spent two times a week on the phone going over the blessings and the Haftorah. Would you believe that he DID get a pen...although he told everyone... no gifts.

Augmenting the simkhe, Abe's 5 grandchildren took part, including a granddaughter who is receiving her degree in Jewish Communal Service.

After the Torah service, Abe spoke of his first Bar Mitzvah. It took place in a little shul in the basement of a Bronx apartment house. For six months his grandfather had visited him everyday to teach him, train him, drill him until his Hebrew reading became fluent enough. Then came the Big Day. He and his family walked down the street to the shul. He approached the Torah table, his book open. The gabbai (synagogue official) took a look-- and stopped him in his tracks. He grandfather had taught him the wrong Haftorah!

Shocked and dismayed, Abe shed some tears. But one of the men on the Bema pulled him aside and told him he shouldn't cry, not that day. "Today you are a man!" (They got someone to stand next to him to help him along.)

The celebration was quiet that day, a dinner at home with family and some friends. Grandma baked all the cake and trimmings.

Abe had a chance to celebrate the man who first entered Jewish adulthood without reading the Haftorah he had learned in 1935. He recommends Bar Mitzvah again!

Mark Oppenheimer ("Thirteen And A Day" - The Bar and Bat Mitzvah Across America") wrote,

"...Americans speak of 'having' a bar mitzvah the way one 'has' a wedding... Only fifty years ago, it would not have seemed possible that the bar mitzvah would become common in every branch of Judaism and the bat mitzvah nearly ubiquitous too. Nobody foresaw the parties for hundreds, with deejays and professional dancers and decorations costing thousands of dollars or even more."

"Mir zolen zich bagagenen oif simkhes." (May we meet on happy occasions.)