Professor Ludmilla Flickwood of the Univ. of Plymouth (England) and her graduate students are searching for the world's funniest sounding word. Flickwood says that the word "fizzle," for example, is relatively easy to say. If you say it 20 times out loud--an "anti-semantic phonetic test"--it starts to sound really funny.

Some languages are better suited to funny words than others. Korean and Swedish top the list, with German and Yiddish a close third and fourth. Some words are only funny sounding if you don't know the language. For example, "cackamehmeh"--a Yiddish word--is very funny. The names "Yussel the Muscle" (nickname for the boxer, Joe Jacobs), "Kinky Friedman, and "Velma Von Tussie" (Linda Hart) are funny. "Zhlub" is funny-sounding. Jackie Mason says that a "zhlub" is a guy who could make a new suit look like a "shmatte." No matter what he wears or how successful he becomes, he still looks like a failure.

Who can forget these lines from Neil Simon's play, "The Sunshine Boys"?

Willie: "Do you know which words are funny and which words are not funny?"
Ben: "You told me a hundred times, Uncle Willie. Words with a 'k' in it are funny."
Willie: "...If it doesn't have a 'k' it's not funny...I'll tell you which words always get a laugh."
Ben: "Chicken."
Willie "Chicken is funny."
Ben: "Pickle."
Willie: "Pickle is funny."
Ben: "Cup cake."
Willie: "Cup cake is funny...Tomato is not funny. Roast beef is funny."
Ben: "Cleveland."
Willie: "Cleveland is funny...Maryland is not funny."
Willie: "Casey Stengel, that's a funny name;
Robert Taylor is not funny."

Fast forward to 2002. Using the "shm" or "schm" sound is funny.

What's the humorous reply to this line:
"You really need a haircut--unless you're a member of the cast of the new Broadway musical, Hairspray"?
"Haircut/schmaircut. I can wait at least a week or two before going to Groomingdale's!"

What's funny?
Pate/Shmate - It can't compare with chopped liver!
Condo/Shmondo - An apartment is an apartment!
Oedipus/Shmoedipus - a boy shouldn't love his mother?
Medicine/Schmedicine - Remember Patch Adams? There's nothing a clown nose won't cure!

Shown below are some of my favorite Yiddish words:
"Shtupp" Push; shove.

Remember when Madeline Kahn played the part of Lily Von Shtupp, the Dietrichesque singer in Blazing Saddles?
"Oy, Vey" Dear me!

In 2000, the Pondfield Trip Service, of Bronxville, NY, sent its clients postcards detailing its pickup policy during construction at JFK Int'l Airport with the salutation, "JFK, OY VEY!!!"

"Umglick" A tragedy.
A Jewish bride without a can opener.

"Chaim Yankel" A half-wit.

With the world's attention on the search for Osama bin Laden, Ed Gernon, an executive producer at CBS, sounds like a "Chiam Yankel." He's developing a four-hour mini-series on another evildoer: Adolf Hitler. Gernon says that while the film would not be particularly sympathetic towards Hitler, it would not overly demonize him.

"Bris" The ceremony of circumcision.
The New York Times Metropolitan Diary wrote about two women who were seated in a company cafeteria.
1st woman: "So they had this thing for the baby, you know, with a rabbi?"
2nd woman: "Oh, yeah. What's that called?"
1st woman: "A brie."

"Dumkop" Dumb-bell; dunce.
A gentle man who told his travel agent that he wanted to visit the Jewish section of India's Capital City, Kosher Dehli. (Thanks, Richard Lederer).
Someone who doesn't know Rule No. 243: If you become annoyed with a telephone customer-service rep., be aware that the words, I'd like to speak with your supervisor" are generally understood to mean, "I'd like to speak to your friend in the next cubicle, who will pretend to be the supervisor."

"Cockamamy" Foolish; junky; or an ill-conceived idea.
Did you hear about the businessman who came up with this "cockamamy" idea? He invented a Jewish Mother cash machine. When you take out some gelt, it says to you, "Nu, what did you do with the last $50 I gave you?"

"Farblunget" Mixed up.
Murphy Brown (Candice Bergen) said, "Let me see if I got this right. I don't have a secretary today because you can't work on a Jewish holiday, but you can't remember which Jewish holiday it is? No, I'm sorry, Ms. McCall, Rosh Kippur doesn't quite make it."

"Meckler" Stockbroker.
Beware of the "Meckler" who invites you to an "Ovarium"--a financial seminar where only women are present.

"Frageh" A question.
Jackie Mason wrote, "Jewish people have developed a method for saving money when ordering vegetables in a restaurant. Notice that Jews never say, "Give me vegetables." They always ask one important question, which saves a fortune: "Do the vegetables come with the dinner or not?"

"Bumiker" A bum.
In the mid '50s, a "bumiker" was a young girl who wore lipstick or smoked cigarettes. In 2002, a "bumiker" is a young girl who wears low rise jeans, camouflage outerwear, has a black rose etched into her shoulder, reads "chick-lit," and has so many piercings she could set off a metal detector.

"Teksi" Taxi.
In the old vaudeville routine, when someone asks his friend, "Call me a teksi," the friend replies, "Okay, you're a taxi."

"Bubu" Insignificant mistake
Can you spot the "bubu" in this ad?
CANON BUBBIE JET WORD PROCESSOR (PRO5000), NO RAIN CHECKS. (A printer only a Jewish grandmother could love.)

"Chutzpa" Brazenness.
The magazine, Time Out New York 2000 "Eating & Drinking Guide," had the "chutzpa"/gall to write this about the Second Avenue Dei: "Blue-haired ladies and their kvetching husbands continue to push inside for the biggest, lightest, fluffiest matzo balls in town, submerged in the soup that cures all ills."

"Mamatzah Balls" (Yid-English) for Matzo balls that are as good as mother used to make. Yes, "Mamatzah Balls" can be purchased at the Soup Kitchen Int'l...but remember chief Al Yeganeh (aka "the soup Nazi") has rules: 1. Stand on line and have your order and money ready when you get to the counter....

"Shvigger" Mother-in-law.
Sholem Aleichem was asked, "Why did the first man, Adam, live as long as he did?" His reply: "Because he didn't have a shvigger."

"Fareynikn zikh" or "Tsunoyfkumen" Join, unite, union, coming together.
Rabbi Robert A. Alper, stand-up comedian, said that the membership of Anshe Emunh-Airz Chaim-Tifereth Israel voted to merge with Moses Monteiore Emunath Israel- Woodmoor Hebrew. Rather than use a combined name, he suggests that "Temple Chai" might be a good name.

"Yenta Telebente" Ms. National Enquirer.

"Schmear/shmeer" To coat like butter.
Randy Mia Berman relates this story. She had just finished her annual check-up and was waiting patiently at the receptionist's desk to make a follow-up appointment. Another woman pushed ahead and announced: "I need to schedule my next Pap schmear."

"Gantzer knocker" Big shot.
Someone who does the New York Times crossword puzzle in ink.

"Shadchen" Matchmaker; marriage broker.
Henny Youngman says a "shadchen" is a dealer in livestock. And, according to the publisher of Paul Marantz Cohen's book, "Jane Austin in Boca," it is a truth universally acknowledged that a nice Jewish widower must be in want of a wife. Cohen provides a cast of retirees in Boca Raton looking for love with a little help from their children.

"Shmoozen" To talk (idly)
At a Rosh Hashana service, a Wayne, NJ, rabbi made a special request that anyone with a cell phone please leave it turned ON. He reminded his congregants what a role the phones played during the 9/11 national tragedy and the importance of remaining connected to friends, family and co-workers. He told of his experience in Israel, where many youngsters routinely carry phones, not as a preppy status symbol, but as a vital lifeline to parents. The rabbi said that he would try to be more charitable when he heard a cell phone ring in a public place. But don't expect me to remain sympathetic when forced to hear a one-sided conversation about boyfriend woes or prostate exams.

"Farkackt" Beneath contempt.
Sheldon Landwehr, a New York restaurant reviewer, uses the following rating system:
0 stars "Farkachkt"
1 star "Unremarkable, but acceptable"
2 star "Good"
3 stars "Very good"
4 stars "Outstanding"

"Shofarsogut" (Yid-English) The relief you feel when, after many years of attempting to blow a shofar, someone calls you a real "baal tekiah"--a master blaster.

"Mieser oisvort" Cheapskate (male)
Woody Allen is sometimes a "mieser oisvort." He pays his stars only $5,000 a week and often has to catch the actors between lucrative jobs to get them. He acted in Hollywood Ending because
1)the role called for a neurotic,
2) he works cheap,
3) he knows the director, and
4)Dustin Hoffman doesn't work cheap.

"Khezhben-firer" Accountant.
Lately, accountants have been sharing their own adaptations of standard accounting jargon.
EBIT (Earnings Before Irregularities and Tampering)
EBITDO (Earnings Before I Tricked the Dumb Officer)
CEO (Chief Embezzlement Officer)
NAV (Normal Andersen Valuation)
EPS (Eventual Prison Sentence)

"Meshuggeneh velt"
Crazy world; God only knows why things happen the way they do Does this make sense? Wouldn't you think that the "balebosteh" who plans, who changes the pot and brings home the matzo meal from Super Sol, who battles the butcher, who accumulates 36 Maxwell House Haggadahs, who leads the family in singing "Adeer Hoo," who polishes silverware, commandeers chairs, and goes around muttering "nobody cares," who fixes charoset and karpas and eggs, and winds up with headaches and cramps in her legs. Wouldn't you think when the matzo is hid, SHE merits the prize, not some smart-aleck kid?

"Er kricht vi a vantz!" He's slow as molasses!
In the book, "Small Miracles for the Jewish Heart" by Halberstam and Leventhal, the story is told of a small makeshift synagogue near the Twin Towers. Orthodox Jewish professionals regularly meet early each morning for daily prayer services. On the morning of Sept. 11, 2001, only nine men were present, and all were concerned because they had to be at their desks before 9 a.m. They waited for a 10th man, hoping he would be the Speedy Gonzalez of daveners. Instead, the stranger turned the pages in agonizingly slow motion, causing everyone to be late. Had it not been for the elderly man and his slow-motion "schacharis" (morning services), they probably all would have been killed.