A Humorous Look In "Der Gortin" Of Eden

1945. I'm sitting in a classroom at Derech Emunoh Synagogue, a neo-Georgian structure, located in Rockaway Beach, New York. My Hebrew teachers, Mr. Panitz, and Mr. Lieberman, are teaching a lesson about Adam and Eve, the Garden of Eden, Noah's Ark, and the flood. I remember thinking, "Adam and Eve were kicked out of the Garden of Eden? What a shande!"

Now, a half-century later, I chuckle at how others look at the Biblical story of Adam and Eve.

Using a "bisl" Yiddish, sit back and enjoy the stories:

"shlang" (snake)
Jerry Seinfeld ("SeinLanguage") wrote, "Of course God was the first person to fix people up. Fixed up Adam and Eve, you know. I'm sure he said to Adam, "No, she's nice, she's very free about her body, doesn't really wear much. She was going out with a snake--I think that's over though."

"onheyb" (beginning)
Anna Sequoia ("The Official J.A.P. Book"), wrote, "Many, many years ago, way before the Mercedes car and orthodontia, the most influential JAP of all time, Eve, was expelled from the Garden of Eden dressed only in a deep-brown ranch-mink coat and Susan Bennis/Warren Edwards snakeskin pumps. In her Vuitton satchel handbag (keep in mind that this predates the soft leather 'hobo' bag--though it might have been more appropriate, under the circumstances), she carried nothing but antihistamine, a natural boar bristle brush, and a Sara Lee chocolate cake. Adam, of course, wore a V-neck cashmere pullover and tight jeans..."

"tsore" (trouble)
It wasn't an "epl" (apple) from the tree that started "di tsore" in the Garden of Eden; it was "di por"(the pair) on the ground.

"nit folgn" (to disobey)
Maggie Van Ostrand wrote, "In the beginning, God created only one couple:
Adam and Eve.
Adam, as rebellious as all young people and in direct disregard of the wishes of his Maker, immediately disobeyed God's specific instructions to lay off certain fruit. Adam ate the apple, the first item on God's Forbidden List, since it began with an "A." (For historical accuracy, the last item on the list was in French Zee Femme.) Speaking of Woman, if Eve had asked for a kumquat instead of an apple, future calamities between the sexes might have been avoided.

God's plan was to design a perfect couple with the ability to reason, and then let them make their own choices. Perhaps He should have supplied them with a copy of "Dummies' Guide to Spirituality."

"khasene" (marriage)
Adam and Eve had the "perfekt khasene" (perfect marriage). He didn't have to hear about all the men she could have "khasene gehat" (married) and she didn't have to hear about how well his "muter" cooked and baked.

"bahaltn" (to hide)
In the story of the creation found in the Book of Genesis, we read where Adam and Eve had partaken of the forbidden "frukht" (fruit), something which had been specifically denied them. Knowing that "Got" is searching for them, they attempt to hide. It is a scene perhaps reminiscent of many of our childhoods when we had done something that we were not supposed to and we literally hid from our searching "tate-mame." Finally, "Got" finds them and asks why they are hiding. Adam says, "Because I was 'dershrokn' (afraid)."
Source: esermons@clergy.net

"valn" (election) "derveyln" (to elect)
The first Russian election was held when God put Eve in front of Adam and said, "Go ahead, choose your 'froy' (wife).'

"ganeydn" (Paradise)
Three men are discussing Adam and Eve.

"Adam and Eve were French,"says the Frenchmen. "Look at them, so beautiful."

"No, they must have been Americans," says the American. "They had plenty of everything and never went hungry."

"I know for a fact that they were Russians," says the Russian. "They were naked, cold, and hungry, and they were being told that this was Paradise."

"bagleyter" (companion)
"I'm lonely," Adam told God in the Garden of Eden. "I need to have someone around for companionship--I need a 'bagleyter.'"

"Okay," replied God. I'm going to give you the "perfekt froy"; she'll cook and clean for you and never say a cross "vort" (word). She'll be "sheyn" (beautiful), "inteligent" (intelligent), and a "baleboste."

"Sounds 'gut, ' Adam said, "But what's she going to "kostn" (cost)?"

"An 'orem' (arm) and a 'fus' (leg)."

"That's pretty steep," countered Adam. "What can I get for just a 'rip' (rib)?"

(similar to a 1991 Reader's Digest piece - Laughter is the Best Medicine)

"Tam Gan-Aiden" - (the taste of the Garden of Eden)

According to Nachum Braverman ("The Bible For The Clueless But Curious"), "Adam was the first man, born on sixth day of creation--died 930 years later (low fat diet, didn't smoke, exercised regularly). Married Eve, CEO of Garden of Eden until hostile takeover by Snake. Ate from Tree of Knowledge (big mistake). Blamed his wife (bigger mistake)...Eve, first woman, created from Adam's rib. As punishment, forced to suffer pain of childbirth and the aggravation of raising adolescents. Mother of Cain, Able, Seth."

"beysbol," "fusbal," "teniz," and "koysbol" (baseball, football, tennis and basketball)

One day, Eve was walking in "der gortn" of Eden with the Lord. "Der gortn" is "vunderlekh" (wonderful), and the animals and birds provide a "freydik" (joyful) experience, but I am "a bisl elnt" (a little lonely).

"Nisht" problem!" the Lord replied. "I will make you a man for 'bagleyter' (companion). He will desire to please you, be with you. But I have to warn you, he won't be perfect. He'll have a 'shver' (difficult) time understanding your feelings, will tend to think only of himself, and will stay out late with his bowling buddies."

"What's bowling?" Eve asked.

"Oh, never mind. Next you'll want to know about 'beysbol,''fusbal,' 'koyshbol,' golf, 'teniz' and 'nartlen' (skiing)."

"That's OK. I think I can handle this 'choshever mentsh' (man with worth and dignity)," Eve replied.

"Ei, gut!" (Great!). I'll get right on to it!" God said, and started grabbing some "blote" (mud) and shaping it.

Suddenly, the Lord stopped and said to Eve, "Oh, there's one thing about this man I'm making for you."

"What's that?" asked Eve.

"You'll have to tell him he was here "ersht" (first)."

"grober feler" in "der gortn" (blunder in the garden)
The package for Newman's [Paul] Own Low Fat Fig Newmans provides the following figurative theory:

"I think most people know about Adam and Eve's blunder in the garden, but my Papa has developed his own theory.

I was in the middle of a peaceful breakfast when Papa bounded up the stairs with a sixty pound crate of ancient scrolls, talking to himself. 'It wasn't the apple, it was the figs, the figs!'

I stayed motionless hoping he'd wander off and talk to one of the dogs, when his hand reached out to stop me from eating my oatmeal. 'Nellie, these scrolls confirm my theory. When Adam and Eve used the fig leaves to cover up their own embarrassment and tossed the precious figs in the dirt, their act in the garden was canceled.'

With one hand over my teapot and the other shaking my oatmeal spoon, he concluded his biblical theory, "The apple incident, as far as I am concerned, was nothing compared to their wanton waste of the figs."

That is why my Papa reveres the fig and I like to eat breakfast in my room. For my Papa's sake, I hope you, too, will revel in the divine quality of our Fig Newmans.

"hoyt kolir" (skin color)
Adrian Barnett wrote, "PS. As an afterthought, have you ever wondered what colour Adam and Eve were? In paintings they are usually portrayed as being fair-skinned, or white (just like Jesus, strangely enough). It seems to me that if Eden really was the tropical paradise we are led to believe (it was certainly warm enough for them to be naked), God would surely have had the sense to load their skin up with melanin."

Top "Tsen" (10) Reasons Why God Created God

4. As the keeper of the Garden, Adam would never remember where he left his tools

6. God knew Adam would never remember which night to put "der opfal" (the garbage) out

9. God knew that one day Adam would require someone to locate and hand him the remote [for the "televizie"].

10. God was "bazorgt" (worried) that Adam would frequently become "farloyrn"(lost) in the garden because he would not ask for directions.
Source: www.humorplanet.com

"pupik" (belly-button)
If any of you ever get to "himl" and want to meet Adam and Eve, they should be easy to spot. They'll be the only people without "pupiks" (belly-buttons).
The Leo Rosten book, "Hooray For Yiddish," asks, "Why should one ever use pupik for 'navel'? Because it sounds funnier.

"taynen" (to argue)
You have to feel "a bisl" sorry for Eve. Imagine her first heated argument with Adam. She's "broygez" (angry) and begins to "veynen" (weep). Exactly who is she going to threaten to go home to?

"mayse" (story)
Leo Rosten ("Hooray For Yiddish") writes that his favorite story about Eve is this:
"Adam," said Eve, "after we eat the apple, we're going to do WHAT?"