Mrs. Greenberg went to see her family "dokter" in Boynton Beach, Florida. She spent an hour in the busy waiting room reading all the medical ads:

Crestor: "Is your cholesterol out of whack?"

Vytorin: "And VYTORIN was proven in clinical studies to lower bad cholesterol more than Crestor alone, more than Lipitor alone."

"My Arthritis Pain Is Gone - The M2a- MAGNUM is a perfect 10 with me."

Finally, it's her time to see the "dokter." After a "fir minute" exam, she burst out screaming as she ran down the hall.

Another "dokter" in the same practice, stopped her and asked, "Vos tut zikh?" She told him her story. After listening, he had her sit down and relax in another room.

The second "dokter" marched down the hallway to the room where the original physician was writing notes on his clipboard.

"What's the matter with you?" the "dokter" demanded? Mrs. Greenberg is a "elter" (senior) citizen with six grandchildren and you told her she was "shvanger?"

The "dokter" continued writing and without looking up said, "Well, does she still have the hiccups?"

Jane Brody wrote an article in The New York Times (1/30/07) titled, "The Importance Of Knowing What the Doctor Is Talking About." Yes, plain language in the physician's office is crucial to good health.

In Yiddish, "klor" means "plain/clear." "Plain talk" is "di klore diburim." Yes, Mrs. Greenberg understood the Yiddish word for pregnant, "shvanger." She also heeded the advice of Jackie Mason: "If a doctor has time to see you right away, he's no doctor."

Sometimes a "patsyent" is embarrassed to tell the doctor that he/she does not comprehend what the doctor said. One physician, for example, was being humorous when he said:

"If you sneeze once, it means someone is praising you; if you sneeze twice, it means someone is criticizing you/saying bad things about you; if you sneeze three times, it means you're being scolded; And if you sneeze four times or more, well it means you have a 'kalt.' Drink chicken soup!"

Shown below are some tips for the Jewish senior "patsyent":

1. Don't confuse the words "prostate" and "prostrate." Though a pain in the prostate may leave a man prostrate, the name of the gland contains no R.

2. Don't be surprised to discover that your hospital uses the $2 million da Vinci robot in the surgical removal of the prostate gland.

3. Never use a "dokter" who has the following Voltaire quote posted on the wall:
THE ART OF MEDICINE CONSISTS IN AMUSING THE PATIENT WHILE NATURE CURES THE DISEASE.

4. Men, never wear "Hebrute" (an Israeli aftershave) before taking a physical.

5 H.I.P. replacement does NOT mean "to switch one's health maintenance in "ekl" (disgust).

6. Don't use a Jewish "dokter" who has a "Treyfrigerator" for his nurses. Jeff Warmouth ("Strictly Kosher Style") tells the story about Chaim who is emigrating to Israel. The customs officer at Haifa points out that you can bring in ordinary household appliances without duty, but how come Chaim is trying to bring in 7 refrigerators?

Chaim explains:
"I'm Orthodox, so I need one for milchig, one for fleischig, and one for pareve."

"Okay," says the customs officer, "that's 3, not 7.

"Well, says Chaim, "the first three are for regular. I need another three for Peysakh, also milchig, fleischig, and pareve."

"Fine," says the officer, "that's 6. Why 7?"

"So nu," says Chaim, "if I want to eat a little treyf once in a while?"

7. If your "dokter" is too young to know what "bankes" is, try referring to it as "cupping glasses." Be cautious of the "dokter" who says, "Es vet helfn vi a toitn bankes." (It's absolutely hopeless. It will help like blood-cupping a corpse.)

8. Find out ALL the prep procedures for a colonoscopy. Don't plan to do any entertaining the night before the exam!

9. Remember that Jewish comedian, Sarah Silverman, crashed her car because she was hopped up on "hust meditsin" (cough medicine).

10. Never use a "dokter" who believes that people who chew "knobl" (garlic) should not be allowed within three miles of a "beybi."

11. Investigate the "Yentl syndrome"--a widespread pattern of treating women less aggressively for heart disease than man. Once a woman showed that she was just like a man by having coronary "arterye" disease, THEN she was treated as a man would be.

Remember that heart disease kills nearly 500,000 American women each year, making it responsible for more female deaths than all cancers combined--and six times more deadly than breast cancer.

12. Don't confuse "farshvitst" (sweaty) with "farshlugener" (bedraggled).

13. A "farshlepteh krenk" is a chronic ailment.

14. Learn the difference between "farshtopung" (constipation) and "farshtelung" (obstruction).

15. When your "dokter" discusses sunburn/sunstroke, he may use two Yiddish words: "zunenbren" or "zunshlok."

16. Invest in a copy of "Alternative Medicine for Dummies."

17. Discuss the fact that 1 in 8 New Yorkers has "tsukerkrenk" (diabetes). And over 200,000 don't even know they have the illness.

18. Never poo-poo "High Holiday Fatigue." During Rosh Hashanah, Yom Kippur and Passover, many Jewish women experience fatigue. Remember, too, that fatigue can also be a symptom of illnesses like diabetes, thyroid problems, anemia, infection, restless legs syndrome (RLS) or cancer.

19. Remember the story about the epitaph on the gravestone of the local hypochondriac, which read:
SEE? I TOLD YOU I WAS "KRANK."

20. Watch your doctor's expression when you ask, "Ven rekhent ir vet mir veren besser?" (When do you think I'll be better?) Did he say:

A) "morgn"
(tomorrow)

B) "Vos makht dos oys?"
(What difference does it make?)

C) "Ver vaist?"
(Who knows?)

If he replies, "C," don't "panik." See a specialist!

21 Forget "The Atkins Schmaltz Diet." It won't work!!!

22. Ask your "dokter" if he agrees with a study by HCD Reserach and the Louis Finkelstein Institute for Religious and Social Studies. The study showed that 74% of U. S. doctors believe [medical] miracles have happened in the past, AND 73% believe they can occur today. Among Jewish doctors, 88% of Orthodox respondents said they believed miracles have transpired, as did 53% of Conservative respondents, 46% of Reform respondents, and 29% of those identifying as culturally Jewish.

23. Remember David M. Bader's "Haikus for Jews":

Coroner's report:
"The deceased,
wearing no hat,
caused his death
of cold."

24. Remember what Garrison Keillor said: "aroma therapy is not bacon and coffee."

25. All computer-phobic seniors suffer from Microsoft spell-checker dependency syndrome (MSCDS).

26. The Shingles vaccine called Zostavax is "tayer" (expensive) and is probably not covered by your insurance plan. Invest the $150 - $200 and get the shot!

27. Feeling "dershlogn" (depressed)? A psychological study found that 3 minutes spent looking at a fashion magazine caused 70% of women to feel depressed, guilty and shameful.

28. "Gigantism" is the childhood growth disorder that produces the best basketball players. :-)

____
Marjorie Gottlieb Wolfe is presently suffering from "Photosensitivity." She's always trying to hide when approached by someone wielding a new digital camera. She can also be identified by her cries of "No, go away...I haven't had my hair done."