"Vos tut zich"? (What is going on?) Health costs are heading into another year of double-digit increases. Your health insurance carrier is suffering from a new ailment:
COSTOPHOBIA. To reduce costs, you may be asked to prepare a self-evaluation form prior to visiting the company physician. "Geb a kuk" (give a look) at this sample...and "zindik nit" (don't complain). "Es vet helfen vi a toiten bahnkes!" (It won't help any!)
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"Vi haistu?" (What is your name?)-----------------
On what date did you feel "krank" (sick)? --------
"Vu tut dir vai"? (Where does it hurt you?)--------

1. Do you suffer from any of the following problems? Check off those that apply.
( ) "Oysgemutshet" (feeling worked to death)
( ) "Kopvaitik" (headache)
( ) "Gahakteh tsores" (utter misery)
( ) "Farmutshket" (worn out)
( ) "Farblondzhet" (distressed/worried)
( ) "Tsedrumshket" (confused)
( ) "Farmatert" (tired)
( ) Your "shaitel" is having a Bad Hair Day
( ) Laptop lust
( ) Lack of zitzfleisch
( ) Safire's syndrome--the urge to correct
( ) Filofax withdrawal
( ) Fear that you've been "mommy tracked"
( ) Cubicle fever--working in a cubicle five by six
( ) Wimbledon's disease--impulsive tendency to jump
( ) Triskaidekaphobia--and your office is on the "dreitsen" floor
( ) "Prairie-dogging--standing up, looking over office panels and "schmoozing"
( ) Manilow--depression brought on by hearing a romantic song on Muzak
( ) Sudden Wealth Syndrome--the identity crisis that comes with overnight riches
( ) Computer anguish--frothing at the MOUSE
( ) Supernova burnout--chronic trepidation, distress, and despondency
( ) "Heyzerkayt!--hoarseness
( ) "Zunshiok"--sunstroke
( ) "hust"--cough
( ) "shilshul"--diarrhea
( ) "oyerveytik"--earache
( ) "tsiteren"--chills
( ) "boykhveytik"--indigestion
( ) All of the above

2. In your fully landscaped office, have you
( ) Been feeling a "byte" blue
( ) Ordered kosher vitamins at Lehaim chaim Herbal.com
( ) Posted your symptoms on the Internet and got 4,200 second opinions
( ) Read Dave Barry's interpretation of the side effects of Varvacron: "In some patients Varvacron causes stomach discomfort and the growth of an extra hand coming out of the forehead...Do not use Varvacron if you are now taking, or have recently shaken hands with anybody who is taking, Fladamol, Lavadil, Fromagil, Havadam, Lexavon, Clamadam, Gungadin, or breath mints...Pregnant women should not even be watching this commercial."
( ) Taken "Serutan" because it is "natures" spelled backward
( ) Revamped your resume
( ) Called your boss a "tatyr"--a lecherous Mr. Potato Head
( ) Contacted the makeup crew from Sex and the City
( ) Experiencd the "Dopeler effect"--the tendency of stupid ideas to seem smarter when they come to you rapidly
( ) Photocopied Dr. Barbara Held's entire book titled, "Stop Smiling, Start Kvetching"
( ) Contacted www.gazoontite.com  for an air filtration system
( ) Bragged, "I'm a 'gezuteh moid!'--a big healthy dame"
( ) Walked around muttering these lines from Mrs. Portnoy's Retort: "There are two kinds of Jews...business Jews and scholar Jews. In the middle is the doctor, a nice combination plate. That's why we hear so much about Jewish mothers pushing their sons to be doctors. A doctor is one from group A and one from group B, a little business, a little scholar and he can park his car if he wants to, on the may'r pippik."

3. Have you ever said,
( ) "Gezunt kumt far parnose"--Health comes before making a living
( ) "Labryut"--when a co-worker sneezes
( ) "G'vald! I'm suffering from the AIRPORT VIRUS. I'm in Israel and my data is in Singapore"
( ) "A make bay yenim iz nit shver tsu trogen"--Another man's disease isn't hard to endure
( ) "I agree 100% with Alan King: 'Never get sick on Wednesdays'...and 'not all doctors are Schweitzers, Sabins, and Salks. There are a few finks practicing, too."
( ) "Es zhumit mir in kop"--There's a buzzing in my head. "ruft a doktor"--Call a doctor.
( ) "Doktor, I need Grecian Formula 44: Cures my cough and my gray...gradually."
( ) "Jackie Mason was right: 'If a doctor has time to see you, he's no doctor.'"
( ) "Circumcision! I had one of those done when I was eight days old. Afterward couldn't walk for a year."
( ) "You charged me $80 for an imaginary sickness--a 'Ret zich ein a krenk!' What 'chutzpah!'"
( ) "Doktor, please refill my prescription for AMNOTPICILLIN--for the treatment for arguing children"
( ) "Prozac is like chicken soup; it doesn't cure anything but it makes you feel better."
( ) "Nu, I'm a Cyberchondria--someone who checks the web site, 'Wonderful World of Disease.'"
( ) "Are you sure Guy Lombardo is not a back ailment?"

4. Have you ever taken ill before or after
( ) A company audit
( ) Double coupons day at Super Sol
( ) Reading "The Hypochandriac's Guide To Life And Death" by Gene Weingarten
( ) Seeing Jackie Mason perform in "Prune Danish"
( ) Ordered a $2,000 Casual Friday wardrobe from www.shaynamayven.inc.
( ) Your stock broker suggested that you follow the "Jewish Theory": Buy Rosh Hashana, Sell Yom Kippur"


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