There’s a category of men that we’ve all encountered—the ambivalent. You know the type. They really seem to like you, but they can’t get their act together. In response, we think, “If I could just find the right words (let’s call them ‘magic words’), he would see that we are bashert and his ambivalence would disappear.”

But we have it all wrong. These magic words enable their ambivalence. We are unwittingly saying, “That’s okay, stay ambivalent. You can contact me whenever the mood strikes. I will welcome any advance, no matter how weak, no matter how infrequent.”

Does this give him any motivation to change? Absolutely not! He’s got you just where he wants you. He can come and go, as his ambivalence dictates, knowing full well that you’ll be there whenever he decides to grace you with his attention.

I don’t mean to imply, however, that he is doing this intentionally. Not at all. An ambivalent man can’t figure out what’s going on in his own head, let alone yours. He doesn’t have the wherewithal to manipulate you. You, however, who do have the wherewithal, are enabling him with your magic words.

My friend Stephanie, who is not as “ambivalence savvy” as I am, is the master of magic words. Her first date with Bob, a dentist, was set up by his front office person. She sensed that they would be a match and took it from there. However, she warned Stephanie that she shouldn’t be surprised if Bob didn’t show up at their appointed meeting spot.

Well, Bob did show up and they had a great time. But then he didn’t call Stephanie until the following Saturday evening. She wasn’t home, but called him back and left a message. Then Bob waited yet another week, calling her back on the following Saturday afternoon, to ask her out for that evening. She was so pleased (and otherwise unoccupied) that she went out with him.

They had a great time. Another week passed. Again Bob called on a Saturday evening, left a message, and again Stephanie called him back and left a message. Another week passed and no call from Bob.

Feeling that he needed encouragement (and lessons in etiquette), she sent him an e-mail:

Hi Bob,

I hope you’re having a nice day. I’m glad you called . . . I look forward to hearing from you again and would love to go out with you again. Weekends (even weeknights) are good . . . I just need a few days’ notice.

What’s wrong with this picture? She is not only enabling his ambivalence, she is rewarding him with so many niceties that she might as well be saying, “I’m happy to take your crumbs whenever you want to dish them out.”

I’ve done this too. Michael, someone I once dated, let me know that he was among the “walking wounded” and, essentially, begged me to be his friend. I agreed, only to encounter the same ambivalence I experienced when we were more than friends. He would say that he wanted to get together and then it wouldn’t happen. It took me a while to recognize his ambivalence. But until I did, I also used magic words to enable him.


Hi Sharon,

When ya want to meet again, schmooze, and nosh? Perhaps we can set something up for next week, although Thursday is my birthday.

Hi Michael,

I'd enjoy getting together. I can’t tell whether you’re saying that Thursday is good or bad. But if you don’t have plans, I’d be honored to join you on your birthday. If not, then another time. I’m flexible. How about contacting me early next week and we’ll set something up.

I might as well have said, “How about setting me up for disappointment? To make it easier, I’ll leave my schedule open.”

“Next week” came and went without a word from Michael. The following week, I received another e-mail from him.

“Wanna get together . . . ?” I wrote back, “When hell freezes over.” Guess what? Not a minute later, the phone rang. It was Michael, concerned, apologetic, afraid of losing me. I guess I had found the magic words.