I’m not one to back down from a struggle, but sometimes the best way to resolve a conflict is to take some time out. Mark and I had been seeing each other for six months and, for at least a month, we had been at odds with each other over how much time he had available to spend with me.

Before Mark met me, he had nearly every moment of his weekend taken up. Between shul, golf, bike riding, his friends, two teenagers, and errands, he pretty much had the weekend covered. I also had busy weekends, between working out and spending time with my friends. However, spending time with a “significant other” was a priority—at least for me. But Mark didn’t seem to share this view. When it came to the weekend, I was sandwiched in between friends, getting things done, and golf. As far as I was concerned, Mark had “double bogeyed” our relationship.

In the service of spending more time together, I had volunteered to give up my weekend workout. When I asked him what he was willing to do, I got nothing in response. Then, when we were discussing our weekend plans, I realized that, if I added up the time that he had available to see me, it was far less than the time he spent in other activities, particularly playing golf. What was I to him? The 19th hole? I was “teed off.” Despite his protests to the contrary, any way I “sliced” it, I felt like his lowest priority. The more I tried to make him understand how hurt I felt, the more he came back with how much he had to do, how golf was his only exercise, and how important it was to him to maintain the few friendships he had. Well, what about maintaining his relationship with me? It was six months, to the day, that I recognized that I was caught in the “sand trap,” only it felt more like quicksand, and our relationship was sinking fast.

I’m no sports fan, but I do know that “time out” is an effective technique for a team to regroup and plan their next move. It’s also a way for a team to take care of their players, make the other team wonder what they’re up to and, in response, change their strategy. If it works for the pros, then it could work for me. I told Mark that I would not see him for a month.

Along with not seeing him, I would have no telephone or e-mail contact. He was no longer welcome to call me during his lunch hour or at night. Neither was he welcome to e-mail me during the day or late at night, knowing that I would answer him first thing in the morning and that he would have an e-mail from me waiting for him when he got into work in the morning.

My strategy had a number of components. I wanted to give both of us time to “cool down” and to think. I wanted him to miss me, even if it was just for the few hours that he squeezed me into his weekend. Most of all, I wanted him to know how it felt not to have his needs met.

I imagined that, at the end of the month’s time, we both would be clear on our feelings, and he would have an opportunity to figure out how much I mean to him, where I fit into his priorities, and how much time he would make available to me. I had told him that I would welcome resuming our relationship, but not in the way he had been handling it. He said that he would contact me at the end of our “time out.”

* * *

It’s been four weeks now, three days shy of an official month, and the final seconds are ticking away on this relationship. I’m not the betting type, but I am hoping that the odds are in my favor and that Mark hits “a hole in one.” And while that wouldn’t put him on the cover of “Golf Digest,” it would score points with me.