When we were little girls and had a crush on a boy, we would pick a flower and, one by one, pull off the petals, reciting, “He loves me, he loves me not.” As adult women, we no longer have to do this because we believe that every man with whom we’ve had a relationship loved us. If there were some ways in which he didn’t treat us right or the relationship didn’t work out, we would tell ourselves, “He loved me as much as he was capable.”

But what does this mean? Is it just a way that we spare our ego? Or is there some truth to this notion? And if he were more “capable,” would we still be together?

Whenever a relationship ends, I ponder these questions. I try to find the common denominator in men whom, for one reason or another, don’t “go the distance.” But I’ve concluded that there is no common denominator. Each man has his own issues that prevent him from fully engaging in a loving and committed relationship.

My friend Elaine had a two-year relationship with David, who has many great qualities—he is fun, a stimulating conversationalist and, when there was conflict, he was open to talking about it. Early on, through spoken words and poetry, he told Elaine that he loved her, and he continued to say it. After a number of months, he told Elaine that he wanted to marry her, to build a future with her. However, something was holding up their future. David was still not divorced, for one reason or another—his house, his finances, his daughters, his . . . And it wasn’t just their future that was being held up; it was also their present. David was often late—late to meet Elaine after work, late to call to tell her that he was going to be late—so late that often it became too late for Elaine to see him. Elaine talked to David about the things that concerned her, and he listened, but made no appreciable changes. Feeling that they had no future, she broke up with him. Did David love Elaine? Elaine felt that he did—“as much as he was capable.”

My friend Rachel had a six-month relationship with Matt, who, shortly after they met, declared Rachel to be “the one.” He went so far as to buy a diamond, telling her that he wanted to take care of her and would finance her law school education, something about which she had dreamed. They went from dating to being virtually engaged in the span of a few weeks. Matt saw Rachel all weekend, every weekend, as well as several times a week, called her a few times a day, and took her to “lovely” places. However, although Matt talked of wanting to always be there for Rachel in the future, he wasn’t able to “be there,” quite literally, in the present. When she asked for his help when she was ill or when she needed to put up a wall hanging in her apartment, Matt wasn’t available. He said that Rachel’s asking him for help was causing him stress. She felt that, if he couldn’t be there in the present, he certainly couldn’t be there in the future, and she broke up with him. Did Matt love Rachel? Rachel felt that he did—“as much as he was capable.”

I am seeing someone who treats me with kindness and respect, who, when I was sick with the flu, missed nearly all of an important meeting to take me to the doctor and get my prescriptions, and who calls me during the day and reads me a bedtime story at night. We have a wonderful time together, as well as the best communication that I have ever had with a man, and we work together on resolving our conflicts. But most of these conflicts have to do with the fact that he is not ready for a relationship and I am.

My friends all say that he loves me. And in response, I say, “Yes, he does love me . . . as much as he is capable.”