Most men fall into two camps—those who are ready for a relationship and those who are not. Those who are ready have always been ready, even after a painful break-up. And those who are not ready are never ready—no matter how long you’ve known them, no matter how close you’ve become, no matter that they’re in their 50s and, G-d forbid, never been married.

I have two close friends, Harry and Alan, who live in New Jersey. They’re “cut of the same cloth” (or perhaps I should say “schmatta”)—outgoing, warm, and East Coast Jewish funny—but this is where the similarities end. Harry is always ready for a relationship and Alan will never be ready.

Harry, I must confess, was my boyfriend 26 years ago, when we lived in the same apartment building in Los Angeles. We went from, “Hi, nice to meet you,” to boyfriend and girlfriend in less time than most couples spend gearing up for their first date. Okay, we probably moved too quickly, but, we really liked each other! It didn’t matter that Harry was fresh out of a painful divorce (is there any other kind?); he wanted to be in a relationship. He had been married and wanted to get married again.

For reasons that neither of us are clear about, but having something to do with our “differences,” we broke up. Nevertheless, we stayed in contact and developed a friendship. Not long after our break-up, and still intent on finding a “Nice Jewish Girl” to marry, Harry moved back to New York (and later New Jersey), where he felt that he would have more opportunities to find his bashert. Indeed, less than two years later, he was married and now has a beautiful 17-year-old daughter.

Sadly, however, after 18 years, “things fell apart.” As soon as Harry was no longer among the “walking wounded,” he was back on JDate. And wouldn’t you know it? Within a few weeks, he had a new girlfriend. But sensing that she wasn’t ready for anything beyond dating, he broke it off and went on to the next relationship. It’s only a matter of time until Harry finds his bashert and, hopefully, this time, lives happily ever after.

Then there’s Alan, the “Jewish doctor,” who is the warmest and funniest man I have ever known. Given the choice of listening to Woody Allen, Jackie Mason, Billy Crystal, Jerry Seinfeld, Larry David (did I leave anyone out?), or Alan, I’d take Alan hands down. He’s that funny. We met on JDate (another story for another time), talk on the phone every day, and have known each other for three years. There was only one person who loved me more than Alan does—my grandmother (may she rest in peace). And in a way that can only be described as otherworldly, when giving me advice, Alan says exactly what my grandmother would have said, even using the same Yiddish expressions. I swear he has her soul.

Alan is 45 and never been married. He’s had a few serious relationship, but, for one reason or another (finishing his residency, doing a fellowship), he wasn’t ready to “settle down.” Five years ago, a woman he loved, whom he had thought about marrying (or so he said), broke up with him for reasons he did not fully understand. Given that he’s handsome (on top of everything else!), is a “Nice Jewish Doctor,” lives in New Jersey, and works in New York (where there’s no shortage of available Jewish women), one would think that the women would be lined up around the block to be with him. Of course, they’d have to push me out of the line first. They probably are lined up, but Alan is too busy working or, I should say, too busy avoiding a relationship. He will never be ready.

I love these two men, each in their own way, and they love me. If I could take Harry’s “readiness” and transplant it into Alan, I’d be on the next Jet Blue flight to JFK. But I can’t. Instead, I’ll just have to find someone here in Irvine, someone who has always been ready—ready to be with me.