New relationships involve a lot of schlepping of your clothes and personal effects. The number of things you take to your “new friend’s” house, and how he reacts to your wandering Jewess status and your literal (as opposed to emotional) baggage, is indicative of the quality of your relationship. And once you start keeping “things” at his house, then “things” are getting serious.

There’s a formula for determining the seriousness of a relationship. For each item you take to his house, score 1 point. For each item you leave there, score 2 points. For each item he buys for you to keep at his house, score 3 points. Bonus points (given in groups of 5) are earned for positive reactions to the growing assortment of “things.” Once you “earn” 50 points, you have a “serious” relationship.

When I stayed at Henry’s house, I packed an outfit for the next day, covered with a travel bag (considered one item or 1 point), and my overnight kit (1 point). He appeared unfazed, even pleased. My gym bag, which I keep in my trunk, contains everything else. Total: 2 points.

That first night, I felt hesitant to “reveal” myself. I discreetly removed my lotions and potions from my overnight kit, performed my evening beauty ritual, and then put my things back in their case, quietly zipping it up and placing it under the sink. I was nervous about using my Sonicare toothbrush, knowing that its two minutes of whirring, punctuated by its “quadripacing” beeps, delivered at 30-second intervals, would make me look like some type of dental health fanatic. But Henry has a Conair Interplak toothbrush, so I knew that he would understand. I waited until morning to put my soap, shampoo, and conditioner in the shower.

By the following week, I had grown more comfortable with Henry. I packed two outfits (2 points), in case the weather forecast was wrong. However, I doubled up the clothes on one set of hangers, making it look like I had brought only one outfit. I didn’t want him to think I was moving too quickly. However, when I unzipped my bag, he noticed the extra clothing. I blushed, but he smiled (5 points). Total: 9 points.

While Henry was making dinner, I took my shower “things” and put them in his shower. Then, after I performed my evening beauty ritual, I decided to leave my lotions and potions on the counter. I wondered whether Henry would be concerned that I wasn’t quite the “natural” beauty he thought I was. When he saw the counter, he laughed, asked if the Avon lady had been there, and gave me a kiss (5 points). Total: 14 points.

I was starting to get tired of all the schlepping, or so I told Henry. In actuality, I wanted to see whether he was comfortable with our growing relationship. I asked him whether I could leave my overnight kit at his house (2 points), stating that it would be one fewer thing to schlep. He opened the bathroom cabinet and said, “you can put it here; there’s plenty of room” (5 points). He added, however, “you don’t need to leave your make-up kit; I prefer you without make-up” (5 points). Total: 26 points.

That weekend, Henry wanted to play tennis, but, I didn’t have the proper clothing. So, the following weekend, I brought my shorts, T-shirt, athletic shoes, and socks. However, we did not play tennis that weekend; instead, we would play next weekend. I asked Henry whether I could leave my tennis “things” (8 points). He made room in his closet (5 points). Total: 39 points.

I was not the only one adding “things” to his house. After Henry discovered that I like half-and-half in my coffee, I found a carton in his refrigerator (3 points). When he learned that I couldn’t eat garlic or onions, which are in nearly every salad dressing, except one, he bought that dressing (3 points). Later, he added my favorite barbecue sauce (3 points). Total: 48 points.

This morning at the gym, I discovered that I had left my soap at Henry’s (2 points). Total: 50 points. It seems we’re “getting serious.”