Guys, can we talk?  Yeah, you on JDate . . . If you’ve gone to the trouble of posting a profile, paying $39.99 to join, and contacting women, then we need to talk.  I don’t like to be critical, but I am sometimes disappointed in the way that you contact us women.  If you’re interested in us, then make it clear and please do so in a polite and respectful manner.  And just in case you’re not clear how to make it clear, I will give you some Do’s and Don’ts.  First, the Don’ts.

Don’t send a flirt.  When I get one, I am left speechless and not in a good way.  For example, “I’d like to start up a conversation, can I write you sometime?”  In case he didn’t notice, he has written to me.  But I can’t tell whether he’s ever read my profile or he’s just doing the JDate equivalent of a “cold call.”  What am I supposed to do?  Write back, “Yes, you can write to me?”

Don’t write an e-mail that makes you sound like a Generation X slacker.  A woman appreciates capital letters and proper punctuation.  They’re the e-mail equivalent of flowers.  “you peeked at me, i peeked at you, lets [sic] text, you seem interesting.”  Gee, he wants to text with me.  I never knew that I was such a babe that I inspired the urge to “interdigitate.”  I was tempted to write him back, “by 4ever, u r not 4 me.”

Don’t write anything even remotely sexual in your e-mail.  One guy commented on the fact that I used to be a competitive bodybuilder (which was fine; after all, I mentioned it in my profile), but then followed up with, “Does that mean you are still a stud muffin?  Want to be my trainer?”  He certainly could use a trainer!  How about Emily Post, who could train him in the use of manners.  

Don’t do the equivalent of “how I spent my summer vacation.”  Although there is nothing wrong with this, it’s safe to assume that, until you get to know someone, she is probably not interested in hearing about your travels, domestic or international.  I’m not talking about something such as, “Hey, I saw on your profile that you love anything Italian.  Well, I was in Italy last summer.”  That’s fine.  But save your discussion of the art at the Uffizi, the towns of Tuscany, and your gondola ride in Venice for when you meet.  The same goes for questions.  I have been asked how I spent my summer vacation, whether I had any travel plans, and what I think of California.  I wasn’t sure whether these guys were interested in me or were collaborating on a travel documentary.

Now on to the Do’s.

Do send an e-mail (or an e-card, which can be personalized).  Think of something nice to write in the subject line.  My favorite was “Cute Haircut.”  I liked this guy even before I read his e-mail. 

Do write a personal message that includes specific information about the woman to whom you’re writing, so that she knows that you took time to read her profile.  Include information about why you are a good match.  The more specific, the better.

Do give the woman a compliment.  If you’ve thought to contact her, then there are probably quite a few things about her that you like.  Mention at least one of them.  Flattery may not get you everywhere, but it will get you someplace.

Do “sign” your name and provide your contact information.  This will show her that you are serious.  More traditional women may want you to offer to make the first contact (even though you already have).  One guy who wrote to me provided his contact information, but added, “If it would make you more comfortable, I can call or e-mail you instead.”  His e-mail had mensch written all over it.

Do “cut to the chase.”  Don’t waste her time or yours going back and forth by e-mail.  Talk on the phone and decide whether you want to meet.

Any questions?  No?  Good!  Then get out there and contact some women!