“I have fallen in love more times than I care to count with the highest potential of a man, rather than with the man himself, and then I have hung on to the relationship for a long time (sometimes far too long), waiting for the man to ascend to his own greatness.”

Elizabeth Gilbert, Eat, Pray, Love

When I listen to women talk about relationships, I see how we focus on a man’s “potential,” rather than on his “reality.”  We do this because we are optimists or want to justify staying in a relationship.  But whether that potential involves his circumstances or how he treats us, we need to focus on the man as he is now, and not on how we envision him to be.

My friend Sue, who is a business coach, was involved with a former client, Hank, for two years.  As her client, he looked to Sue to help him determine how to bring in a decent income, but still allow him enough time to do what he loved the most—painting.  She had all sorts of ideas about various business projects in which he could become involved.  In the main, however, it seemed that the only involvement he really wanted was with Sue, and the feeling was mutual. 

Sue, as much as Hank, looked forward to the day when he could not only develop his “inner artist,” but also be financially solvent.  Whenever she talked about her relationship with Hank, it was always in future tense.  “When Hank does this, when Hank does that . . . we’ll get married.”  She seemed to be more in love with the “potential” of Hank than with the “real” one.  One day she realized that how he was right now was how he would always be, and she broke up with him.

But far worse than waiting for a man’s circumstances to change is focusing on how he will treat you, once he fulfills his “potential.”  We seem to lose sight of the fact that, when we fall in love with someone, it is for better, and worse.  By this, I do not mean, “in sickness, and in health.”  Rather, I mean that we are naïve if we think that we can enjoy the good, and expect that, with enough hope, encouragement, and time, a man will fulfill his “potential” as a relationship partner.

It’s particularly easy to get caught up in a man’s “potential” when he is in therapy, and supposedly working on his problems.  My friend Laurie, and I had similar experiences with such men.  They both came on strong, courting us with flowers, and talking about the relationship they (and we) wanted.  But then their problems, in both cases, a fear of emotional intimacy, came out, and they retreated. 

Laurie’s boyfriend, Gordon, had been in therapy for many years, so she was hopeful that he would continue to work on his issues.  Upon his suggestion, they even went to his therapist together, who thought that Laurie was the best thing that had ever happened to Gordon.  All this made it easy for Laurie to focus on his “potential.”  But despite everyone’s hard work, his issues got the better of him, and they broke up.

I was seeing someone who was not only in individual therapy, but also in group therapy.  He was well aware of his issues with emotional intimacy, and even shared them with me.  Although his therapist had never met me, he had spoken highly of me, both in individual, and group therapy, and told me that his group members liked me.  I was sure that between his therapy, his group’s encouragement of our relationship, and his openness, he could fulfill his “potential” for emotional health, and for a great relationship.  But after a year, when nothing had appreciably changed, I realized that I was more in love with his “potential” than I was with him.

So the next time you meet someone who appears to have “potential,” you need to ask yourself, “Is he the man today that I want him to be tomorrow?”  If the answer is no, you have a “potentially” rough road ahead.