If anyone ever says that Jews haven’t made any progress in society, just save this article and show it to them. Because, something happened to me the other day to prove them oh, so wrong!
When I began working as a comedian back in the mid-seventies, ( you know, when the polar ice caps were still receding,) I was constantly being bombarded with one criticism. “ You’re too Jewish!”. So, like so many other Jewish comics before me, I changed my name, ( Corleone was my Paternal Grandfather’s Mother’s maiden name,) and even went so far as to study with a dialectician to lose my accent. I hired gentile writers, and before you knew it, I was Steve Martin with a shag haircut. It served me well for many years, and like all the other closeted Bodkins in the business, I made scads of money. Then I went on a long hiatus to raise my three boys, ( as a single father, but that’s another story,) and when they were grown, I decided to re-enter the world of lounges. But I decided that I would do it on my own terms. I worked hard to get my accent back and began working with Jewish writers to regain my comedic heritage. Now, people ask this Beverly Hills boy what part of Queens I’m from! I thought I had done pretty well, until I received an e-mail after my last column herein that asked me if I could be more Jewish! I thought I’d plotz! Three years of studying the Mama Loshen, watching countless Jackie Mason tapes, and never missing a single episode of “The Nanny” and still, I’m not Jewish enough. All this has made me very happy. Why you ask? Because it proves that Jewish is alive and thriving and making it’s mark in the land of the Goyem! I’m totally farklempt. Think where this might lead! Someday, Chinese people may start eating in Kosher Delicatessens!
Okay, genug with the personal hoo-ha, and on to business. I know you all share with me sadness at the passing of three icons in Show biz, Ann Landers and Rosemary Clooney, and Rod Steiger. Ann Landers, ( Born Esther Lederer, yes my dears she was one of us,) died of Cancer on June 23rd at the age of 84. What’s little known about her is that she was actually the second Ann Landers, having taken over the advice column in 1955 when the original Ann Landers died. The column will not continue, but will be replaced by “Ann’s Mailbox” and will be written by staff members in her own style. She is survived by her daughter, Margot Howard, and her equally famous sister, Pauline, better known as Abigail ‘Dear Abby’ Van Buren, yet another mishpoke who had to turn shiksa for professional reasons.
Rosemary Clooney died of cancer June 30th at her Beverly Hills home. A major star for forty years, Clooney’s easy listening style charmed five generations and made her a legend in the music world. And a little tidbit you might like to know, she never really hated her greatest hit,’ Come on ‘a my House’. In truth, she had been brought to the studio to record another song, when they gave her the charts and said ‘sing it’. Being a true professional, she balked at recording a song she was unprepared for. But she sang it nonetheless, cold, and got it right in one take! Only Rosey could have done that.
And finally, Acting legend Rod Steiger died on July 9th from renal failure and pneumonia at the age of 77. Steiger made over one hundred movies including “On The Waterfront”, “In The Heat of the Night”, and my personal favorite, “ W.C. Fields and Me” in which he played the title character. He also appeared in the sci-fi spoof “Mars Attacks’.
Over in the “Meow” department, a feud had erupted between Bill Cosby and the Osbournes. The Pintele Papa Cosby lashed out at the Osbournes, saying they were, “…a sad, sad family,” and “ How can people watch that trash?” The eminent Ms. Osborne fired back in kind, saying Cosby is a “…tired old has-been who’s time has come and gone, and to go back to his fantasy land!” Personally, I liked the Huxtables, and would rather live next door to them than the Osbournes. And speaking of Cosby, don’t believe a word of the stories that he’s in poor health and senile. One of the tabloids ran an article saying that Cosby told a story about having swooned in a toilet, and kept lying down on stage. But it’s all part of the act, and a brilliant act is is too! My sources who have seen the show tell me it’s Vintage Cosby and one of his greatest performances ever!
And Pity Poor Tom Cruise. As if hitting the big 4-0 wasn’t bad enough, his latest opus, “Minority Report” took a box-office beating by the Disney animated flick, “Lilo and Stitch”! Imagine it! Hollywood’s Golden Boy, being topped by a cartoon that looks like Stewart Little on Steroids. And speaking of Stewart Little, the upcoming sequel is a ‘must see’ for sure! It’s rare that a sequel equals the original, but this one does it and then some. Also, the “Men In Black 2” flick will have you screaming with laughter, especially when Michael Jackson’s cameo comes up. I won’t spoil it for you, but I could barely hear the Gloved One’s dialogue for the laughter in the audience! But the whole film is a roller-coaster ride, and one you shouldn’t miss, especially if you liked the first one.
Meanwhile, over in the “If At First You Don’t Succeed” department, producers are gearing up for the sequel to “ Dude, Where’s My Car”. It seems that the studio got stuck with a ‘package deal’ that requires them to make the sequel despite the bad reviews and even worse box office the original suffered. Gut zu danken, Ashton Kutcher still has his ‘day job’ on “That 70’s Show” which has been picked up for another season.
And a big cha-ching and Mazel Tov to Jennifer Aniston for her victory over those nasty mamzers publishers who published those sexy snapshots of her without her permission. Although the amount of the out of court settlement is being kept on the Q.T., my sources tell me it’s in excess of five million dollars!
This in from the “My Diaper needs Changing!” department, Michael Jackson has stooped to a new low, by accusing Sony Records Chief Tommy Mottola of being a racist. Many high profile black artist have raced ( no pun intended gang,) to Mottola’s defense, claiming that Jackson merely has (what’s left of ) his nose out of joint because his latest epic proportioned album is as abysmal a failure as his mega-flop “His-story” was a few years back. In this reporter’s humble opinion, Jackson needs to grow up and accept responsibility for his failures as he accepted the glory of his successes.
And in a story that should be on ‘Ripley’s Believe it or not!’, Drew Barrymore is pushing for a movie version of T.V. classic, “ Laverne & Shirley” starring herself as Shirley Feeny and ( Oy Vey!) Courtney Love as Laverne deFazio! The thought alone makes me want to pap! I suppose as a follow-up, they’ll have Lenny and Squiggy in the film version of “Love Letters”!
Also in, after twenty-one years of marriage, Eddie Van Halen and Valerie Bertinelli have called it quits in a divorce that’s uncharacteristically quiet by Hollywood standards. Even MY birddogs can’t get the skinny on it! But it shows that some stars still have class and think more about their kids than their own petty fifteen minutes of fame.
At the box office, MEN IN BLACK II outsold ROAD TO PERDITION by a substantial margin proving once again that the ticket-buying audience, not the cultural elitists in H’wood decide what films are the real winners.
Steven Spielberg has just signed a deal with HBO to produce a miniseries about King Arthur and his tribe. No word as to the casting particulars, but hey, he couldn’t do much worse than they did in the 1967 version of the musical “Camelot”! It’s expected to take eighteen months to lens, so don’t set your VCR’s just yet.
And you parents can "quiturschvitzin" over the rumors that Sesame Street regulars are going to have a new friend who’s HIV+. I’ve been deluged over the past few weeks by people wondering, what those Limousine Liberals at PBS were thinking. But you can relax. In reality, the story spun off the fact that s television show in Belgium is going to introduce a series of health films with muppet-styled characters, in which there will be one with HIV. But the films will not be coming to America.
Meanwhile, from the “Attack of the Clones” department, Singer and Mike Myers co-star BEYONCE, believed by many insiders to be the new Debbie Reynolds, is kvetching over the lyrics to the theme she sang for Myers new “Goldmember” segment in the Austin Powers series. She doesn’t like some of the lyrics, such as, “ He’s got the Midas touch; but he’s touched it too much!” Good night, don’t these mishugoyem ever read the scripts or charts before they sign a contract? Neither was she too happy with a scene where Verne Troyer, A.K.A. Mini Me, humps her leg like a poodle. Oh well, cheer up Beyonce. At least it was Mini Me, and not Fat Bastard!
And finally, from the “Moron Rouge” Department, some of my spies have seen Nicole Kidman out and about near her Pacific Palisades home jogging. So what you say? So, she’s so terrified of the sun, she’s wearing a winter coat, scarves and a hat. As it is, she’s so white, she looks like Casper’s inflatable doll. Apparently the ex-Ms. Cruise has never heard of heatstroke.
Well, that’s it for now M’dears. Lots more coming next month. And remember, if you can’t say something nice about someone,…e-mail me!