Issue: 3.11 11/1/2002
by: Joe Klock Sr.
Taming the E-mail Animal

What with the postal service pricing itself out of the market and regressing toward the delivery schedule of the Pony Express, e-mail is rapidly becoming our communications medium of choice, surpassed only by mouth-to-ear conversational intercourse.

Its growing popularity notwithstanding, though, e-mail has a long way to go before coming of age and standing abreast of snail mail in status.

True, it has clearly trumped the traditional USPS boast that neither rain nor snow nor dark of night nor harrying hound dogs shall stay them from their appointed rounds. E-stuff (damned if I know how) just flies around the world at a velocity surpassing that of head colds, dirty jokes and political gossip, impeded only by computer crashes and accidental deletions.

However, many of the niceties practiced in letter-writing are routinely ignored or violated in cyberworld, suggesting that the maturing process of e-mail is either suffering from delayed puberty or mired in permanent adolescence as to style and quality.

Wishing, as always, to right the wrongs of our society wherever they exist, this dedicated scribe herewith cites some "don't-don'ts" to counter some of the "do-do" that daily pollutes his electronic in-box.

For openers, DON'T fail to enter something in the "Subject" line that tells the recipient about what the message is about. Just as busy people sort their snail mail over the trash can, most of us thin the e-mail herd by reading the "From" and "Subject" columns with a finger poised over the "Del" key. Hucksters of spam feature clever and deceptive teasers, which savvy recipients delete on sight.

Best bet, at least for e-mail that you really want the recipient to read, is to compose a subject line that directly relates somehow to the content. It also helps to choose a screen name that identifies you, even if you have to use johnsmith5839x.

Next, DON'T clutter the opening text space with a long list of those receiving copies of the message and/or a catalogue of the previous recipients of forwarded material. If you're sending it to a bunch of people and it isn't important for all of them to know who's on the distribution list, send it to one address only, then send BCCs to all the others. (NOTE: The "bcc" term is held over from the "blind carbon copies" of an earlier era, but serves the same purpose - i.e., targeting each recipient individually, without adding a mass introduction feature).

On t'other hand, if you're replying to someone, DON'T fail to lead off with the pertinent text of their message to you. There's a good chance they won't understand what you're trying to convey with such code words as "OK by me" or "I agree" or "You've gotta be kidding" or "Sounds interesting, tell me more" or "I couldn't care less." Such laconic feedback may lighten your time commitment, but leave your correspondent in the dark.

Some software systems automatically reprint the incoming message when you hit "REPLY," but others (like America Outofline) do not. Those that do may reprint more of the incoming text than pertains to your reply. In either instance, just copy the pertinent stuff and paste it into your reply. If you don't know how to do that, ask any pre-teen acquaintance for instructions.

Next, there is the matter of excessive shortcutting, which can be carried to extremes and become like the difference between circumcision and the Lorena Bobbett procedure. It's quite alright to use "IMHO" in writing to those whom you know will recognize it as short for "in my humble opinion," but it can be both chic to the geeks and Greek to those less familiar with e-jargon.

Ditto the annoying habit - mostly of young people - of writing everything in lower case, It tells the reader that the writer either didn't know enough to use proper form or was too damned lazy to hit the shift key. Either way, it's déclassé, as is such campy cutoffs as "u" for "you" and "2" for "to."

Finally, there are the mundane matters of punctuation, grammar and spelling. Nothing positions you on the cultural scale between learned and loutish more surely than these niceties that so many people abandon after shedding their last cap and gown; bad writing contributes to your image like unchanged underwear.

At a bare minimum, DON'T fail to make use of the Spell Checker that's built into your system, AND proofread the product before sending it; one good reason is the fact that the system will approve any proper word, whether or not it makes sense in context. Thus, "at your cervix" could be a disastrous malapropism if not corrected in the final review of a sales pitch.

DON'T let nothin like that happin 2 u, dude!

Joe Klock, Sr. (The Goy Wonder) is a freelance writer and career curmudgeon. To read past columns (free), visit http://www.joeklock.com
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