*The journey of a thousand miles begins with a single oy.

*If you wish to know The Way, don't ask for directions. Argue.

*Take only what is given. Own nothing but your robes and an alms bowl. Unless, of course, you have the closet space.

*Let your mind be as a floating cloud. Let your stillness be as the wooded glen. And sit up straight. You'll never meet the Buddha with posture like that.

*There is no escaping karma. In a previous life, you never called, you never wrote, you never visited. And whose fault was that?

*Wherever you go, there you are. Your luggage is another story.

*Do not let children play contact sports like football. These only lead to injuries and instill a violent, war-like nature. Encourage your child to play peaceful games, like "sports doctor."

*To practice Zen and the art of Jewish motorcycle maintenance, do the following: get rid of the motorcycle. What were you thinking?

*Learn of the pine from the pine. Learn of the bamboo from the bamboo. Learn of the kugel from the kugel.

*Be aware of your body. Be aware of your perceptions. Keep in mind that not every physical sensation is a symptom of a terminal illness.

*If there is no self, whose arthritis is this?

*Those who know do not kibbitz. Those who kibbitz do not know.

*Breathe in. Breathe out. Breathe in. Breathe out. Forget this and attaining enlightenment will be the least of your problems.

*Do not kvetch. Be a kvetch. Become one with your whining.

*The Tao has no expectations. The Tao demands nothing of others. The Tao does not speak. The Tao does not blame. The Tao does not take sides. The Tao is not Jewish.

*Whenever you feel anger, you should say, "May I be free of this anger!" This rarely works, but talking to yourself in public will encourage others to leave you alone.

*Drink tea and nourish life. With the first sip, joy. With the second, satisfaction. With the third, Danish.

*The Buddha taught that one should practice loving kindness to all sentient beings. Still, would it kill you to find a nice sentient being who happens to be Jewish?

*Enter into your inner self and behold the eye of the soul. Gaze upon your original face before you were even born. Shocked? Remember, this was before the nose job.

*Be patient and achieve all things. Be impatient and achieve all things faster.

*In nature, there is no good or bad, better or worse. The wind may blow or not. The flowering branch grows long or short. Do not judge or prefer. Ask only, "Is it good for the Jews?"

*To Find the Buddha, look within. Deep inside you are ten thousand flowers. Each flower blossoms ten thousand times. Each blossom has ten thousand petals. You might want to see a specialist.

*Be here now. Be someplace else later. Is that so complicated?

*Zen is not easy. It takes effort to attain nothingness. And then what do you have? Bupkes.