Because non-religious Jews value their ethnic heritage and enjoy celebrating holidays as much as those who are observant, I'd like to present the story of Passover in an unconventional yet (lamentably) increasingly popular form.
Herein, then, is my...........

Passover Rap
by Funky Flanken & Dr. Dre K (aka) Stephen D. Gross

I'm a secular Jew and I haven't got a clue what the Lubavitches do with their Orthodox crew when it's Pesach in the 'Burbs & they eat their bitter herbs and the Klezmorim jam to the blood of the lamb then the mutha'
(beat)
the fatha'
(beat)
the kids all read the Hagaddah

And the plagues keep a comin' keep Pharaoh's kids a-running when they'd rather be sunning on the banks of the Nile where they gotta lotta' style with their suntan oils 'til they're covered with boils and the frogs are all leapin' and the lice come creepin' and Pharaoh don't know what number to dial.

With their water turned red and their cattle half-dead the slave-drivers didn't wanna' get out of bed then Moses sat down wrote the king a letter said, "Let us leave town - You'll feel much better" but Pharaoh said sorry - we need you Jews, else who'll do the dirty work and shine our shoes?

The darkness at noon almost brought 'em to their knees A swarm of locusts came ate their black-eyed peas some crazy wild beasts made the locals all wail and to top it all off they got pelted with hail but the worst thing that happened and it's really auspicious was when their first born were sent to "Sleep with the fishes."

Seder, Sister
pass the unleavened bread
Say dere, Brother
goin' to Heaven when I'm dead
Apaches got fry bread
we got matzoh
we got covered heads
they got lotsa'
Radishes
(beat)
Horses
(beat)
Horseradish goes with most courses
like gefilte fish
the favorite dish
of the Israeli Armed Forces

Here come the troops they're on 'em like flies so the Jews left Egypt didn't see their bread rise we got a boiled egg and a little shank bone I don't wanna be a slave jus' let me go home cinnamon an' apples an' a bowl of chopped nuts We don't wanna' make bricks (Pharaoh acting like a putz) Don't forget the wine Maneschevitz or Merlot see ya' later Freedom Hater It's time for us to go

We sit here wining
(beat)
Dining
(beat)
On this night everyone's reclining

Then the Bubbe starts the Seder with an Aramaic prayer The kids'll ask four questions learn that slavery's unfair they'll hear that the Pharaoh wouldn't let the people go so they started in to sing They had another row to hoe Moses waved his rod and the Red Sea parted and they all thanked God at the worst they would be martyred Some of them were nervous but they crossed without fear 'cause the soldiers had forgotten all their scuba gear so everyone was saved every kid and Alter Kocker and they left Pharaoh's army Down in Davy Jones Locker

Well the Jews began to party 'til they heard the sages calling "Rejoicing is uncool when your enemy is fallen'"
You'd like to celebrate an evil man's misfortune but you shouldn't feel too great lest you get an equal portion You gotta work hard for diamonds in the foyer either that or win at cards or be a surgeon or a lawyer but this is Passover and this magic's worked before and we all know that some Prophet will come walkin' through the door But it ain't the kind of profit that's gonna make us rich It's God's herald, Elijah Give him wine and hear his pitch...
Sayin', "Here comes the Messiah signed up for a second hitch