The following were allegedly taken verbatim from real Synagogue newsletters:

A slip of the tongue, or a mistyped word can really create interesting thoughts! The announcements were found in shul newsletters and bulletins. Even spell check wouldn't have helped!...
Don't let worry kill you. Let your synagogue help.
Join us for our Oneg after services. Prayer and medication to follow.
Remember in prayer the many who are sick of our congregation.
For those of you who have children and don't know it, we have a nursery downstairs.
We are pleased to announce the birth of David Weiss, the sin of Rabbi and Mrs. Abe Weiss.
Thursday at 5:00PM, there will be a meeting of the Little Mothers Club. All women wishing to become Little Mothers, please see the rabbi in his private study.
The ladies of Hadassah have cast off clothing of every kind and they may be seen in the basement on Tuesdays.
A bean supper will be held Wed. even. in the community center. Music will follow.
Weight Watchers will meet at 7 PM at the JCC. Please use the large double door at the side entrance.
Rabbi is on vacation. Massages can be given to his secretary.
Mrs. Glodblum will be entering the hospital this week for testes.
The Men's Club is warmly invited to the Oneg hosted by Hadassah. Refreshments will be served for a nominal feel.
Please join us as we show our support for Amy and Rob, who are preparing for the girth of their first child.
We are taking up a collection to defray the cost of the new carpet in the sanctuary. All those wishing to do something on the carpet will come forward and get a piece of paper.
If you enjoy sinning, the choir is looking for you!
The Associate Rabbi unveiled the synagogue's new fundraising campaign slogan this week: "I Upped My Pledge - Up Yours."