I don't want to achieve immortality through my work. I want to achieve immortality through not dying.
-- Woody Allen

My father never lived to see his dream come true of an all-Yiddish-speaking Canada.
-- David Steinberg

Too bad that all the people who know how to run this country are busy driving taxis and cutting hair.
-- George Burns

I once wanted to become an atheist but I gave up. They have no holidays.
-- Henny Youngman

Don't be humble; you are not that great.
-- Golda Meir

I went on a diet, swore off drinking and heavy eating, and in fourteen days I had lost exactly two weeks.
--Sam Levenson

I have enough money to last me the rest of my life unless I buy something.
-- Joe E. Lewis

Most Texans think Hanukkah is some sort of duck call.
-- Jackie Mason

The time is at hand when the wearing of a prayer shawl and skullcap will not bar a man from the White House, unless, of course, the man is Jewish.
-- Jules Farber

Even if you are Catholic, if you live in New York you're Jewish. If you live in Butte, Montana, you are going to be goyish even if you are Jewish.
-- Lenny Bruce

The remarkable thing about my mother is that for thirty years she served us nothing but leftovers. The original meal has never been found.
-- Calvin Trillin

Let me tell you the one thing I have against Moses. He took us forty years into the desert in order to bring us to the one place in the Middle East that has no oil!
-- Golda Meir

Humility is no substitute for a good personality.
-- Peter Malkin

My idea of an agreeable person is a person who agrees with me.
-- Benjamin Disraeli

God will pardon me. It's His business.
-- Heinrich Heine

Bankruptcy is a legal proceeding in which you put your money in your pants pocket and give your coat to your creditors.
-- Sam Goldwyn

A spoken contract isn't worth the paper it's written on.
-- Sam Goldwyn

Marriage is a wonderful institution. But who wants to live in an institution?
-- Sam Goldwyn

A politician is a man who will double cross that bridge when he comes to it.
-- Oscar Levant

Liberals feel unworthy of their possessions. Conservatives feel they deserve everything they've stolen.
--Mort Sahl

I don't want any yes-men around me. I want everybody to tell me the truth, even if it costs them their jobs.
--Samuel Goldwyn

Look at Jewish history. Unrelieved lamenting would be intolerable. So, for every ten Jews beating their breasts, God designated one to be crazy and amuse the breast beaters. By the time I was five I knew I was that one.
--Mel Brooks

God, I know we are your chosen people, but couldn't you choose somebody else for a change?
--Shalom Aleichem

Even a secret agent can't lie to a Jewish mother.
--Peter Malkin

It's so simple to be wise. Just think of something stupid to say and then don't say it.
--Sam Levenson

Everybody likes a kidder but nobody loans him money.
--Arthur Miller

A committee is a group that keeps minutes and loses hours.
--Milton Berle

Television is a medium because it is neither rare nor well done.
Ernie Kovacs

With the collapse of vaudeville, new talent has no place to stink.
--George Burns

When I bore people at a party, they think it is their fault.
--Henry Kissinger

I went on a diet, swore off drinking and heavy eating, and in fourteen days I had lost exactly two weeks.
--Joe E. Lewis