If you are an aspiring Jew or married into a Jewish family, or dating a Jew, there are certain things you must know to survive. Take (or give) this quiz to see if you've learned enough to function in your Jewish family:

1. There are no Jews living in:
a. sin
b. El Paso
c. trailer parks

2. The cleaning lady in a Jewish household is expected to:
a. do windows
b. make latkes
c. attend all bar mitzvahs and weddings

3. To Make a good pet for a Jewish child, an animal must be:
a. gentle
b. housebroken
c. stuffed

4. Jews spend their vacations:
a. sightseeing
b. sunbathing
c. discussing where they spent their last vacation and where they'll spend the next

5. If there's a hairdresser in your immediate family, you are:
a. up on the newest styles
b. entitled to free haircuts
c. not Jewish

6. Wilderness means:
a. no running water
b. no electricity
c. no hot and sour soup

7. The most popular outdoor sport among Jews is:
a. jogging
b. tennis
c. howling over the neighbors' lawn ornaments

8. Jews never drive:
a. unsafely
b. on Saturdays
c. eighteen wheelers

9. A Jewish skydiver is:
a. careful
b. insured
c. an apparition

10. No Jewish person in history has ever been known to:
a. become a prostitute
b. deface a synagogue
c. remove the back of a TV set

11. Jews never sing:
a. off-key
b. "Nel Blu di Pinto di Blu"
c. around a piano bar

12. Jews are ambivalent about:
a. vegetarianism
b. Jesse Jackson
c. Absolutely nothing

Scoring: Take 1 point for each "a" answer, 2 for each "b," 3 for each "c."
32-36: Mazel Tov! You know a lot about Jews. Either you've studied your loved one's family carefully, out of desire for true closeness plus your respect for their traditions, or you're from either Florida or New York.
They'll adore you!