There
is a great deal of fascination with “cougars,” women who go after younger men. I
am not one of those women. However, I have become an accidental cougar. It seems
that, each time that I am on JDate for more than a few minutes, some cute guy,
generally between the ages of 26 and 32, I.M.'s me. (Let’s just say that my
preferred age range is 45 to 60). And they all say the same thing—that they just
adore older women and then give the same reasons.
Perhaps it’s the media’s portrayal of such women as Goldie Hawn, Susan Sarandon,
and Helen Mirren, but these young guys think that we “older” women are elegant,
sexy (“hot”), interesting and, in particular, straightforward (“no game
playing”), much more so than women their age. One even said that we have cuter
tushes! Who am I to argue?
They all make the point that “age is just a number” and that they have dated and
been in relationships with women in their 40s and 50s. Despite what I might
think about their intentions, these men aren’t kidding around. They are
disappointed when older women don’t take them seriously. Well, whatever their
intentions, there’s a lot to be said for these younger guys, and we all could
learn from their example.
By virtue of their youth, they’re absolutely adorable. Okay, well, maybe my
generation is too old to be considered “adorable,” but to paraphrase my
grandmother, “adorable is as adorable does.” And there’s a lot about these men
that makes them so.
First, they are sweet. They easily express their attraction to and compliment
me, and their sincerity comes through. Their flirting is generally “G” to
perhaps “PG,” at most, and they seem to know how to “pace” themselves. All this
makes me feel quite comfortable with them.
Second, they’re chivalrous and romantic. On their profiles, they talk about
letting the “girl” (I love to be thought of as a “girl”) pick what she wants to
do for a first date, but if it were up to them, they’d choose dinner at a nice
restaurant, followed by some ice cream (how old fashioned!) and perhaps a walk
on the beach. No “coffee dates” for them. They assume that I am worth the time
and effort to take me out on a “nice date.”
Third, they are emotionally open. They haven’t really been hurt yet and haven’t
amassed emotional baggage. (Yes, I know that, if by our age, we don’t have
baggage, it means that we haven’t taken any risks. But we also have the
responsibility to “get over ourselves.”) They talk about taking the time to get
to know each other and then, if we get along, having it develop into something
more.
Fourth, they’re humble. Many of these men are quite accomplished for their age
but do not feel the need to draw attention to their achievements. They focus
more on who they are as a person rather than relying on their career
accomplishments to impress me. Instead, they express admiration of my
accomplishments.
Fifth, they don’t beat around the bush. They don’t endlessly chat or e-mail with
me. Rather, they ask to get together with me after we’ve exchanged sufficient
information to determine mutual interest. I’m never left with the feeling of
“what was that about?” or “will I hear from him again?”
Sixth, and most importantly, they have good values. Of course, everyone wants to
be with someone who is attractive. But these young guys don’t focus on a woman
being “beautiful and slim.” Instead, on their JDate profiles, they write, “Looks
aren’t that big of a deal for me, but you must have a great smile” or “I’m
looking to meet a funny, nice, intelligent Jewish girl.”
I am not necessarily recommending that women date men that much younger than we
are. (However, if we did, who could blame us? Men have been doing this for all
of recorded history.) Rather, I am saying that these young and supposedly
inexperienced men have the right idea about dating and relationships and that,
if we recaptured our own “adorable” qualities, we might have a better shot at
finding true love.