Who among us is not one of the “Walking Wounded”? We’ve all been hurt, but we go on—only some go on too soon, leaving others to doubt themselves.

Kubler-Ross’s five stages of grief—(1) denial and isolation, (2) anger, (3) bargaining, (4) depression, and (5) acceptance—apply as much to the end of a relationship as they do to death and dying. When a relationship ends, a part of us dies.

Most of the time, we don’t know that we’ve encountered one of the Walking Wounded. But there can be one clue, which takes the form of “We had a great time/We connected/He really seemed to like me . . . but I never heard from him again.”

A year and a half ago, Greg and I met for lunch. I found him interesting and attractive and sensed that it was mutual. I never heard from him afterwards. Because we only had one date, and a short one at that, it felt a bit presumptuous (and pushy!) to call him and ask what happened. Despite my self-confidence, I imagined a variety of scenarios, in which I had made one faux pas or another.

Recently, Greg contacted me. I took this as an opportunity to ask him what had happened. He explained that, at the time, he had been separated from his now ex-wife for only four months. “I didn’t know what I was doing, and I wasn’t someone you would have wanted to be around, anyway. I was still reeling and angry.” To use Kubler-Ross’s terminology, he was in stage 2 (anger), with three stages to go before he was ready for a relationship. This time, I felt that he wasn’t right for me, but at least I found out that, back then, it wasn’t me.

Joshua is a stronger case of “We had a great time/We connected/He really seemed to like me . . . ” During our Friday evening date, he couldn’t compliment me enough and talked about all the places we would go together and all the things we would do. Before the evening was over, he made a date for the next night. Halfway into Saturday evening, he said that he wanted to get together during the week. Then, when he was out the door, he stopped and said that, although he had a lot to do the next day, he wanted to see me and would call. I never heard from him again . . . or so I thought at the time.

A month later, I received an e-mail from him. He explained that he had been traveling, was now back, and wanted to get together. Well, I was going away that weekend, so we had to wait to make plans. In the meantime, he sent me a series of increasingly enthusiastic and inviting e-mails. I called him upon my return and left a message on his voice mail. He never called me back.

My curiosity got the better of me and, after yet another month, I sent him a to-the-point e-mail, “ . . . if you’d feel comfortable telling me what happened, I’d like to know.” What I got back was the e-mail of a man who was wavering between stage 1 (denial and isolation) and stage 5 (acceptance).

Sharon:

Please accept my apology. I had a five-year relationship end. I will spare you the details, but I still feel very hurt. I suppose I am experiencing the various stages of loss at the moment, although I am beginning to gain a sense of acceptance.

I spend much of my time alone . . . I am vulnerable. I would love to have you as a friend now, and I need that. I am at odds as to how to develop that and still very tender emotionally. I would love to get together with you . . .

Thank you for writing me.

Warmly,
Joshua

I really like Joshua, but he has a long road ahead of him before he is ready to be in a relationship again. Whether I’ll be there at the end of the road, only time will tell. But once again, I saw that it wasn’t me.