By the time you’re 50, and have been out of a marriage or relationship for a while, you’ve developed a weekend routine that distracts you from your loneliness. You also have your full-time job, perhaps a few children, your friends and, of course, endless errands. So what, if anything, are you willing to give up to have a relationship?

Because I work for myself and have no children, I can get a lot done during the week, leaving plenty of time on the weekends to “have a relationship.” But most of Mark’s time is spoken for. He goes to shul six mornings a week, plus Erev Shabbos, is an avid golfer, and has an endless list of errands, which never gets completed and to which he constantly adds more items, and he has two teenage children. He works nine-hour days Monday through Thursday, but only half a day on Friday.

Mark’s pattern was to go to shul on Erev Shabbos and then to go to the early minyan the next morning. When I met him, it was mid-fall. The days were short, and he returned from Erev Shabbos services around 5:30. This gave us plenty of time for a relaxed Shabbos dinner and to end the evening around 9:30 or so. That’s when I have to start think about getting to sleep to get up in time to go to the gym. While Mark is at shul (where the men and women sit apart), I might as well work out. Coincidentally, my gym opens at the same time that the early services start, and getting to the gym when it opens allows me to meet him for breakfast right when he returns from shul. It also gives us a full day together, which we need because there is so much to do . . .

Before Mark met me, he had coffee almost every Saturday with his friend, Scott. He still does. To be able to spend time with Mark, I tag along. In the late afternoon, he sees his son or daughter, and I find something else to do. In between, there are errands to run—mostly his, but some of mine too. At least dinner gives us some quality time alone.

Sunday, it’s golf. Not first thing in the morning, but at 2:00. We never can plan anything for Sunday, except perhaps a walk. But we often find ourselves having brunch with his friends, Jeanette and Lewis, something he did before he met me. I like them, but this doesn’t leave us much time to ourselves.

Over time, I came to accept the way things were. While Mark was occupied on Saturday afternoons, I “got things done” and, on Sunday afternoons, I saw my friends.

But then the days got longer and Mark started coming back from shul on Friday evenings later and later until, by early May, he was coming home after 8:00. It was difficult for me to wait that long to have Shabbos dinner with him, but I managed. However, still wanting to get enough sleep (I need my eight hours!), there wasn’t much time between starting dinner and ending the evening. Our dinner looked like a video of a Shabbos dinner on fast forward. It became too much for both of us and we stopped seeing each other on Friday night.

On the same weekend that we gave up our Shabbos dinners, Mark told me that he had been feeling behind and stressed for at least a month and needed more time to himself on the weekends to “get things done.” After all, he worked nine-hour days. Yes, but on Friday, he was out by noon. What a perfect time to catch up on his errands! For Mark, however, it was another opportunity to play golf. He had just enough time to get out on the golf course, play as many holes as time would permit, and get back home to get ready for shul.

I began to wonder where I fit in between G-d, golf, and getting things done. I don’t know, but I think it’s time to talk about what each of us is willing to give up to have a relationship.