In the book, “The Art of Loving,” psychoanalyst Erich Fromm states, “The love for my own self is inseparably connected with the love for any other being.” Simply stated, this means that we cannot love another until we first love ourselves. Such self-love “demands practice and concentration . . . genuine insight and understanding,” and those who do not make the effort to understand and love themselves are not ready to be in a relationship.

The term self-love has given way to the more commonly used term, “self-esteem.” Research has shown that, if our self-esteem is high, we are better able to “roll with the punches” of a relationship, communicate, and maintain harmony and intimacy. A recent article in the Los Angeles Times speaks to this. A woman with high self-esteem, whose otherwise thoughtful husband had forgotten their anniversary, gently reminded him of his “faux pas.” In response, her husband was quite apologetic and, two days later, took her out for a lovely evening. She stated that she focused on how sorry her husband felt and the wonderful anniversary celebration they later shared. Her high self-esteem enabled her to keep in mind the “big picture” and to set in motion a cycle of good feelings.

Conversely, low self-esteem contributes to unhappy or failed relationships by setting up a cycle of bad feelings. My dating experiences have included several men with self-esteem issues. Fortunately, these men often identify themselves right away by such statements as, “You’re too good for me” or its corollary, “I’m not good enough for you.” One man seemed genuinely concerned that, on our first date at a local restaurant, I might “escape” through the window in the ladies room.

It is tempting to view such remarks as a form of self-deprecating humor (a la Woody Allen) or even as an indication that such men hold you in high esteem. In actuality, however, these statements are a spin on the Groucho Marx line, “I wouldn’t want to belong to any club that would have me as a member.” They reveal a man’s low self-esteem and foreshadow an unhappy relationship.

Other men are not as forthcoming about their self-esteem, but their behavior can offer clues to what lies within. The most blatant clue is anger (often turned inward as depression). I’m not necessarily referring to anger directed at you; rather, it is experienced by you as a sort of ongoing “static.” It is your reaction to observing such behaviors as out of proportion anger (especially when driving), negativity towards selected others or those perceived as more successful, or humor based in cynicism.

Sadly, I was in a relationship with such a man. But because I did not initially recognize that he had low self-esteem, the feelings I had while we were together mystified me. On the one hand, he was a good person and good to me, treating me with love, respect, and kindness and often buying me thoughtful gifts. I grew to care deeply about him. On the other hand, I often had a sense of “dis-ease” when I was around him, the cause of which I could not initially put my finger on. All I knew was that he had a way of “taking the wind out of my sails” that left me feeling hurt and pushed away. His humor often unnerved me and turned what could have been an intimate moment, or shared laughter, into silence. For as much as I cared about him and wanted to be with him, I struggled to like him and to keep my feelings about him positive. Even worse, I believe that he sensed my struggle, setting off a negative cycle (as opposed to the positive one in the example above), making it even more difficult for us to connect. When we were breaking up, he said to me, ‘There must be something wrong with you for liking me.” I was stunned, followed by a profound sadness. I thought about the many gifts he had given me over the course of our relationship. Then I wished that he had given me (and himself) one more gift—the gift of self-love. For had he done so, we might still be together.