A few years ago, the book, He’s Just Not That Into You, introduced a new concept into our understanding of relationships.  From listening to other women, I see that there is a companion concept, “she’s just not that into you.”  But because men are usually the initiators, the “just not that into you” concept manifests itself differently among women; we complain that the man wants too much of our time.  So, when I hear a woman saying this, it’s clear to me that she’s “just not that into him.” 

Think about it.  Have you ever heard people in love say that the object of their affection wants too much of their time?  When we’re crazy about someone, we can’t get enough of that person, and we will rework our schedule, even give up some activities, just to spend more time with that person.  Our main complaint is that we don’t have enough time together!

The women who I hear express the notion that a man wants too much of their time have a number of similarities.  They are generally successful career women who, when not in a relationship, will take the approach that “the grapes were sour, anyway.”  They will tell you, “I’m just too busy for a relationship.”  However, you know that, if the right man came along, they would “make the time.”

Perhaps because they are so busy (or not), when they do meet someone they like, it’s never a slow process of getting to know him and then deciding whether he’s a good match.  Rather, he immediately becomes her boyfriend and, as if by magic, these women somehow come up with the time to pursue a relationship.  Where there’s a will, there’s a way.

I know of two such women and, in both cases, their relationship trajectory follows the same course—instant infatuation, which then gives way to disappointment and doubts, and then, finally, the man is declared too “needy.” 

The first woman appears to be sincerely busy, as well as quite happy being on her own.  When she’s not working, she spends time with her extended family or one of her many friends.  Last year, around the holidays, she met someone and, although at first she was excited about him, a few weeks later, between the lines, I sensed her waning interest.  After another few weeks had passed, she told me that it was over because he was too “needy,” that he didn’t understand how busy she was.  By “needy,” she meant that he wanted to spend more time with her than she wanted to spend with him.  In other words, she was “just not that into him.” 

I’ve seen the second woman go through so many of these relationships that I could mark my calendar by their timing.  Her “instant infatuation” period lasts from one to two months.  Then comes one month of “disappointment and doubts,” followed by her twist on the labeling of the man as “needy.”  I will often hear her say that not only is the man is too “demanding” of her time, but he also “expects” her to make him happy.  Truth be told, she was “just not that into him.” 

My sense is that, as high-powered career women, who make a lot of “important” decisions, they are embarrassed to admit to themselves, let alone to their friends, that they either didn’t choose well, or had lost interest.  However, I certainly would understand, and respect their saying, “After spending some time with him, I realized that he’s just not for me.”

The irony of this situation doesn’t escape me.  How often have we women felt that a man didn’t make us a priority?  Were we “needy” just because we wanted to spend time with a man we cared about?  Of course not.  Then we women shouldn’t label men as “needy” simply because we’ve changed our minds, or lost interest.  We should take responsibility for our feelings, admit our mistake or change of heart, and give men the courtesy of a respectful break-up.  It’s okay if we’re “just not that into him,” but we should let him go so that he can find someone who is.