The Top Ways Courts Would Be Different if All Judges Were Jewish Mothers

21. No more 5-4 decisions: we'll talk this out until we agree.

20. Yiddish replaces Latin in all opinions.

19. "I have a question for juror #4. Can I ask you, young lady, are you married? Because I have such a son for you!"

18. "Stop already with this discussion of oral sex. It's dirty, dirty, dirty!"

17. "Look at that face! How can a nice boy like him be guilty?"

16. "Before you start your opening, counselor, you look like you haven't eaten in weeks! Have a latke!"

15. Instead of using "Oyez! Oyez! Oyez!" bailiffs would call court to order with "Oy Vey! Oy Vey! Oy Vey! It's now that you should rise."

14.Curtains on the jury box and slip covers on the chairs.

13. "Guilty? You're pleading Guilty? Let me tell YOU something, 'Mr. Guilty!' You should be pleading guilty, what with all I've been through. Why, if your father were alive, God rest his soul, he would give you such a smack..."

12. No contempt rulings - just wash his mouth out with soap.

11. "Enough with the objections already! And stand up straight-your mother would die if she saw you like this. Not that she ever sees much of you anymore, I'll bet. And another thing...."

10. Objection, schmobjection. You and the DA, come back to my chambers and we'll talk this out over a nice hot cup.

9. "I award you a million dollars and you can't even thank me? I take it back!"

8. "Fine, go have your little conference with your client and leave me here, sitting alone, up on the bench, it'll be fine."

7. Everyone would be home on time for dinner.

6. If you don't try the chicken soup, it's five days in the slammer for contempt.

5. Justice isn't blind - she's just sitting in the dark, unloved, like a dog.

4. Defendants would all be acquitted, but they'd all be made to feel guilty.

3. "That's not admissible? Oy! Who knew?"

2. "Evidence, shmevidence. He just looks guilty."
and the Number 1 Way Courts Would Be Different if all Judges Were Jewish Mothers...

1. "Oh, you want to object, do you? You don't think I can do my job? Well, how about you come up and take this gavel, Mr. Smarty Pants? Here, I'll put it on the desk - right next to my heart. No, go ahead, take it. You're right, I'm just a senile old woman and should probably be sent off to some sort of home. Your Aunt Myra really likes her room, why don't you give her a call? But really, I shouldn't have to remind you to call your Aunt Myra. I guess you just don't love her anymore, either. I should have expected it, you being a big shot lawyer now. Would it kill you to just believe me once instead of always having to argue? Overruled."

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